The Unmarred Soul
by elbeewoods
Summary: The first story of three in The Unmarred Soul series. Will Tara's tragedy strengthen SAMCRO's brotherhood or divide a family? How much can one family endure in the name of love? AU Jax/Tara/OC
1. Safety

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_**Safety...**_

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**_Safety is just an illusion_...****_we are never truly safe, anything can happen to us at any given moment, at any given place, at any given time, you are always in danger._**

**_You are more likely to be seriously injured or killed by someone you know. A member of the family, someone who is a close friend, someone you love. To think you have put your safety in their hands, and yet they are the ones most likely to hurt you. All under the disguise of a loved one. Knowing this doesn't matter, your well-being is always in jeopardy._**

**_We would like to believe that we are prepared, that we will never be caught off guard, that we are protected from harm at all times, right under the false façade of feeling safe, that no one can touch you, that no one can hurt you, that no one can kill you, you always have the feeling of false security. When in actuality you are never safe._**

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_**from the journal of Jax Teller**_


	2. Chapter 1

Thank you to my beta McIlwain for her passion and believing in this story as much as I do. It has taken a long time to get here we wanted to make sure that we had a complete story and without her these would still be useless words on a piece of paper.

Thank you kiara8921 for sending the Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter needs help.

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THIS IS RATED MATURE FOR A REASON; LANGUAGE AND SEX.

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I own John FW Teller

Everything else from the Son's of Anarchy is owned by Kurt Sutter

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It is a cold, dark, miserable, rainy night in Charming. The water is standing deep in the parking lot of the new Women's Center - they have been working overtime trying to get things ready for the grand opening in a month. Everyone except for Tara and Abel are caling it a night, but Tara is determined to finish the upstairs office she has been working on. Some of the girls offer to stay and help, not wanting to leave Tara there all alone. She tells them jokingly, "I have Abel; he's all the help I need." The girls just laugh, knowing it is a lie. Tara insists she will be okay reluctantly, so they decide to go ahead and head on out, but make her promise not to get up on the ladder. Tara promises so they went on home. Things are starting to get quiet in the building and the brewing thunderstorm is starting to unnerve her. So Tara turns the radio on and the volume up to drown out the storm's crashing thunder.

Abel is with Tara helping her paint at least he thinks he is. As they head to the back to get more paint he sees a juice box on a table in the kitchen and decides that he wants one. Tara figures that if it will keep him busy for little bit what could it hurt, maybe she can finally get something done.

She is still a little pissed at Jax for dropping Abel off earlier today before she even arrived at the center. He had promised he would take care of Abel all day then drop him off before his appointment with Lowen tonight. He had promised her he would so she could finally get something done. Of course that was before the alarm system at the gun store wouldn't shut up. _Naturally HE was the only one who could go over there with Juice to fix it. My ass, he knows electronics about as much as he knows how to operate on a heart,_ Tara muses. She suspects that Jax was at his wits end with Abel because he was throwing a Jax Teller fit, and Jax just can't handle Abel when he does. _Yeah_, Tara thinks, _he can dish it out but he can't handle it, he definitely doesn't want to hear how he is just like that. No, never him._

Tara decides she will just do like Jax and give him juice and cookies to keep him busy and quiet. Tara decides, _if he can do it I can too. Now, if Abel doesn't say anything to Jax it will be fine._ She is always fussing at Jax not to do that, and here she is resorting to his parenting skills. _It doesn't matter_, Tara thinks, _when he's pregnant and tired we'll see what parenting skills he has._ Abel's coloring book is on the table so she gets out his 'washable' crayons. She learned the hard way with the regular crayons trying to get it off of the walls and now he has the washable ones. He seems to be content with his juice, cookie and coloring book, so she slides out to get some work done while he is pacified.

Jax told her, "I used to draw all over the walls when I was little."_ Of course he did._ He started telling her, "One day Gemma had to go run to the store and she left me with JT. JT fell asleep and I decided to draw all over my bedroom, the dining room and the newly painted living room walls." _I would have loved to have seen Gemma's face when she got home, _Tara thought._ Poor John._

After Tara finally finds the paint color she has been hunting for the past hour she heads back to the front. As she passes the kitchen she looks in on Abel. He's lying on the floor coloring and singing a song that he learned at Prince Charming Preschool. Tara still gets a chuckle out of that. Jax fought the club tooth and nail on not naming it that but it was a club vote and he was out numbered so badly he was the only 'nah' vote. Tara was the one who had brought the name up as a joke; needless to say, he is still upset with her for that.

Abel's learned so much since he started going to preschool every day. It is something new and he is so proud of himself he has to come home and share it with the family. It was a month ago that they taught the kids how to call 911 which Tara, being a doctor, thought was genius. Jax and Tara decided that this would be a good time to teach him how use the speed dial to call them as well. Abel said that he wanted his mommy to be number one which meant that Jax would be number two. Jax was not surprised that Abel picked her because he absolutely adores his mother-she is the most important person in his life right now. They had such a strong bond by the time Jax got out of prison, Abel wasn't the little baby reaching for him anymore; he was a little boy who loved his mommy.

When Jax got out Thomas was an age that Jax was familiar with, he was almost the age that Abel was when Jax went in. Jax had been having a hard time bonding with Thomas up until a couple of months ago. Even though Jax was out, he wasn't home enough for Thomas to get used to him on a regular basis. It would hurt Jax that Thomas would go to Chibs or Opie before him, and that his favorite person was Phil. But now that things have settled down and he is home more, Thomas and Jax are finally bonding. Thomas is starting to become a Daddy's boy but when he is hurt it is still Mommy that he wants, and Jax knows it is not because of her doctor status.

After painting about an hour Tara takes a much needed break: her back's killing her from bending over and trying to paint around her growing belly. She decides to go downstairs to check on Abel. He has been so quiet she almost forgot he was here, almost. She made her way down the half spiral stairs that Jax had designed. When she thinks about it, Jax pretty much had the entire place designed before he even mentioned wanting to build it for her. She still is amazed by him after all these years. _He still has a heart of gold when it comes to those he loves_. She waddles on back to the kitchen to check on Abel. It is awfully quiet so she slowly peeks around the door jamb and finds him asleep on the floor - his head on the coloring book, his juice box in one hand and a crayon in the other. Tara just smiles. _God she loves him like this, quiet_. She gets herself something to drink and some crackers to snack on and sits down in her chair. It already has a big fluffy pillow for her back and a box she has been using for a foot stool. While sitting listening to the rain hitting the windows Tara falls asleep. She wakes up with a start. She looks around confused it must have been a dream because Abel hasn't moved. She is having bad dreams again, more like nightmares of Cameron killing Sac and taking Abel. Tara figures it must be her pregnancy hormones causing these old awful memories. She had these when she was pregnant with Thomas, too, but it was still fresh in her memory then.

The storm has quieted down some so she decides to go back upstairs to touch up a few things, then clean up and head home. Tara slowly makes her way up the stairs having to take a second to catch her breath. She is tired now and wonders what is she going to do: _I am only 28 weeks along now; how am I going to make it through to the end when I am so exhausted now?_ Tara turns to go towards the office she has been painting when someone grabs her from behind with such force it spins her around. She grabs ahold of the railing real quick to balance herself so she doesn't fall down the stairs she has just came up. And here she is, face-to-face staring into the dark soulless eyes of the last person that she wants to ever see again."Gemma... what are you doing here?" Tara is scared. She sees the hate seething from Gemma's steely eyes and it causes chills to run down her spine.

"I came to see you TARA," Gemma spits out. "We have some things we need to talk about."

"Okay."

"You see, you need to be reminded of your place and understand a few things."

Tara is wondering what place she is talking about but decides that right now it would be in her best interest to her keep her mouth shut.

"I am the Queen of SAMCRO -not you, never you. It will always be MY club. I was the one who built this club. John thought he was the one but it was all MY doing; I was the driving force behind it. When John started losing his way he became weak and something had to be done, the club was starting to fall apart. Then he was going to leave and go back to Ireland to that Irish gash. I had to do something so I picked Clay to turn my charm towards. I knew he had a thing for me so I used it to reel him in. I told him that John was going to destroy this club and put it in his head that John needed to be taken out. Of course you know that; you read ALL the letters, not just the ones I gave Jax."

"I had been able to control Clay and the club until those letters came into play. I told Clay we would lose the club if Jax saw those letters. I was the one who told Clay he needed to get them back, or I would leave him because he was nothing without the club. We worked together on arranging the hit on you. Jax and the boys weren't supposed to be with you, it wasn't supposed to be that way. That is what I was mad about and why Clay and I fought that night he beat me. He knew they were with you and didn't call off the hit. He was so obsessed with killing you and getting the letters he wouldn't listen to me. I told him not to kill Piney, told him that he didn't have them, but he had a grudge against him-he was always fighting Clay on decisions with the club. Piney was real vocal about the cartel deal and Clay; was afraid that he would influence Jax into backing out."

"Clay finally had Jax in the palm of his hand and he wasn't going to let anything ruin that. Clay wasn't going to let Jax get out he was just setting him up to believe that he would. Clay was going to make him stay in the club for me so I could still run my club through Jax when he was president. But you came along spewing shit in his ear and throwing your pussy at him, twisting him all up. I thought for sure Jax would send you away when he found out you had kept those letters from him-that's why I gave them to him. Keeping you around wasn't something I'd planned on, that's why I kept the ones about me out. You still know the truth about those letters even though I destroyed them. You still know, so it's time to take care of the loose end and get my club back."

Tara is startled by Gemma's revelation. "What are you going to do Gemma?"

"Something I should have done the very first day Jax brought you home." Gemma is slowly backing Tara down the stairs as she talks and then suddenly she gives Tara a big push.

Tara quickly grabs onto the railing and starts yelling. "GEMMA STOP... STOP... YOU'RE GOING TO HURT THE BABY!"

"I don't want another fucking spawn from your body. I thought I had taken care of that at the hospital that day but I'll make sure to end it this time." With a hard shove Gemma heaves Tara backwards while yelling, "DIE YOU FUCKING WHORE, DIE!"

Tara gives a blood-curdling scream as she is tumbling head first down the stairs. Gemma snickers as she heads down the stairs, looking at Tara's crumbled body at the foot of the staircase. She steps over the body of her former nemesis. She heads to the door holding her head up high. _I'm the Queen again_, Gemma grins smugly as she stepped out into the darkness of the stormy night.

Abel wakes up thinking he heard his mommy and grandma talking and then he hears his mommy scream. He runs towards the stairs and he finds her lying at the bottom of the stairs and bleeding. Abel shakes her, trying to wake her up, but she just lies there. He is starting to get scared because his mommy is bleeding from her head and there's blood starting to run down her legs. He runs as fast as his little legs can to the back to find his mommy's phone to call 911 like he learned in school. Then he calls the only person he knows who can really help... his daddy.

Jax is in Lowen's office she is staying there late for their meeting, closing the deal with Happy, Tig, Bobby, Juice and Phil buying Diosa International from SAMCRO. SAMCRO decided that it would be better for their public image if they got out of the escort business so SAMCRO is selling it to some of the brothers. Nero lost his half of the club after his little gang attacked the club over a gun deal. Jax and Chibs decide for the sake of their families that it would be best for their family image if they didn't have anything to do with the business, especially Chibs who has a young teenage daughter. Of course that made Tara extremely happy Jax knew that she hated it when they were running Cara Cara it caused a lot of tension in their relationship. He couldn't blame her because running it had turned into a big headache. He was always being called away in the middle of the night and any time he was alone with Tara they always were being interrupted by some kind of porn business which was usually Ima's game but he wasn't about to admit defeat with Clay.

Jax's phone rings thinking it is Tara. He starts, "Hey, babe," but stops when he finds out it isn't Tara, but Abel trying to tell his daddy about how "Grandma Gemma hurt his mommy and mommy won't wake up and is bleeding". At first Jax is frozen with fear-it takes him a moment to respond. "Abel did your grandma hurt you?"

"No," Abel informs him. "I called 911, daddy," he spoke with pride in his voice.

Jax asks him, "Are you still at the Women's Center?" Abel dutifully answered yes.

Jax tries hard to keep the shakiness out of his voice. "You did a real good job buddy. Uncle Chibs and Rat are at the garage and will be right over."

Jax immediately calls Chibs. "I need you and Rat to get over to the Women's Center. Tara's hurt and Abel is with her.

"What have happened?"

"Gemma paid Tara a little visit on her way out of town." Jax had to take a deep breath before continuing. "Abel said she's unconscious and bleeding. Chibs, make sure you let them know she's 7 months pregnant."

Chibs tells him "Shit, we are on the way."

Chibs and Rat take off running across the lot to the Women's Center. Chibs tells Rat, "Take Abel to the play area and keep him busy. He doesn't need to see this." Chibs is horrified when he sees Tara lying there at the bottom of the stairs. There isn't anything that he can do but sit with her, holding her hand, while trying to get her to wake up. He just keeps calling "Tara, Tara luv, wake up! Come on, dear, I know you can do it."

Tara starts mumbling. "Abel."

"He's is fine but I need to know how you are, lass. Does anything hurt?"

Tara begins to grimace in pain. "My stomach is cramping hard, it's the baby I think. He's coming Chibs, and Gemma did this to me, she pushed me down the stairs." Then Tara starts losing conscious again.

Chibs calls Fiona. "Hey luv, I need for you meet me here at the Women's Center. Tara's had an accident and it's pretty bad. I'm waiting for the ambulance now plus Abel is here. Can you call Kerrianne and have her come pick up Abel and take him back to the house. Thomas is with Netta and I'll have her get some things up for them and bring him to the house. I'm sure the wee ones'll be staying the night- there's is no way Tara's going to be coming home, and from the looks of it she'll be having this baby before long, so tell her to hurry 'cuz Abel's here with Rat."

"Okay I will call her and I am on my way," Fiona hurriedly replies.

Chibs calls Happy, "Hap, you need to get here quick; it is bad brother, real bad."

"Okay. We're already on our way and we should be there soon."

About that time the ambulance arrives and Chibs lets out the deep breath that he had been holding since Jax called. He is so relieved they're here he feels some of the load drop off of his shoulders. _If only Jax would get here quick it is getting worse by the minute there is just so much blood._ The paramedics are asking Chibs all kind of questions and he tells them "she's 7 months pregnant and this is how I found her a few minutes ago. She was conscious for just a minute or two and then she was out again."

The ambulance has only been there a few minutes by the time Jax gets there. He jumps off his bike and starts running through the doors calling, "Tara, Tara." Then what he sees stops him dead in his tracks: his beautiful wife crumpled up on the floor covered in blood. He gets on his knees, holding her hand and calling, "Tara baby please, wake up ... come on babe... you have to wake up...Tara... please... WAKEUP."

Tara starts mumbling, "Jax." It's the only thing they can understand her saying and then she slips back under. It isn't much but Jax feels at least a little better.

He tells Chibs, "Drive Tara's car to the hospital so I'll have something to carry the boys in if I need it."

"Fi is going to wait here with Abel until Lyla and Kerrianne can pick him up, and Lyla will drop Kerrianne, Kenny, Piper, Ellie and Abel at my house. I already talked to Neeta and she is taking Thomas there too. She is taking some of their things with her and she is going to stay with them also. I don't think you will be home tonight from the look of things. I have also called the prospects in to stay at the house until we can get some Nomads there. They need to be protected 'cuz I am not having another prospect killed. We need to take precautions in case Gemma's still lurking around. Then Fi will be on her way to the hospital."

Chibs turns to Happy just as he arrives. "We need some Nomads here now, we can't be too cautious where the lads are concerned. They need protection right now, we know Gemma is around so now is when she is going to try to hit."

"Got it. I'll send Big Bill and Quinn over there now it won't hurt to be overprotected if there is such a thing. I'm heading to the hospital with Jax; I don't think he realizes it but he is in danger too," Happy responded.

The medics hurriedly put Tara on the stretcher and head to St Thomas. Jax climbs in the back with her- there is no way he is letting her out of his sight again tonight. The EMTs are having a hard time stabilizing her so they don't waste any time leaving. Jax is starting to get very anxious- every minute is of the utmost importance, Tara's losing too much blood and she's still unconscious. He is talking to her the whole way there trying to get her to answer him.

By the time the ambulance leaves for St Thomas all of the brothers have arrived and are escorting the ambulance carrying their King and Queen and unborn Prince.


	3. Chapter 2

St Thomas has been alerted that Dr. Tara Knowles-Teller, the Queen of SAMCRO, is on her way in and that she is in critical conditional. Circumstances have dictated that the Prince will make his grand entrance tonight.

The emergency room doctors and nurses rush out to meet the ambulance as it pulls in front of the entrance. The doctors aren't the least bit surprised or irritated by the fleet of motorcycles escorting the ambulance SAMCRO wants to make sure their Queen arrives safely and gets treated with respect. Never mind that the staff at St Thomas knows Tara. SAMCRO won't take any chances. Too many have been taken so far.

Fiona had phoned Margaret ahead of time, and Margaret paged Dr. Nameed and Dr. Lewis immediately. They are waiting to take Tara back to the operating room immediately the medics confirmed surgery is needed. Margaret, Dr. Lewis and Dr. Nameed know Jax he will be on their heels heading to the operating room with them. He will not be kept away from his wife and child, not now. As they hurriedly push Tara's hospital bed towards the operating room, a newly hired, overzealous nurse tries to prevent Jax from entering as well. Jax's abrupt brush against her outstretched arm and his cold, hard gaze are enough to make her re-consider her intent

Since the Sons have gotten out of all illegal activities and now have solid family investments, their reputation has overwhelming been turned around to the positive. Margaret and Jax have a friendly and relaxed relationship now that Margaret is the chief administrator of the new Women's Center. Even Dr. Nameed shows Jax more respect. Dr. Nammed thinks it is commendable for Jax to want to build the Women's Center to help Tara find her way back into medicine. He is starting to have a better appreciation for why Tara loves her husband so much. The bond and faith they have in each other is truly amazing-that man would do anything for his wife and it shows. Even though Tara cannot operate she is still close to Dr Nameed along with the staf that she worked with for three years. Dr. Nameed gave them his insight during the planning and building of the new center.

Time is critical for Tara and the baby boy she is carrying. She has a placental abruption, and still unconscious with two bad gashes on her head, but the baby is the most pressing matter at hand. They have to get her in the operating room now she has lost too much blood it is not just the baby's life that is in danger now it is Tara's also. Upon examination they found that she is almost fully dilated and the baby is coming now it is too late for the cesarean section. After an intense conversation with Dr. Lewis and Dr, Nameed Jax has finally talked them into letting him be in there when the his son is delivered; however, once the baby is born he has to leave the operating room. He agrees, he had promised Tara that he would be there when their next child is born. Dr. Lewis explains to Jax that if they can't get the bleeding under control Tara will have to have a hysterectomy because of the blood loss. The doctors already know Tara will need a blood transfusion.

Dr. Nameed puts a reassuring hand on Jax's shoulder and looks him in the eye. He gently restates the facts, "Tara has lost a lot of blood, the baby is in duress he has to be born now, and the baby will need a blood transfusion. I've been told you both have blood stored in the blood bank so that won't be a problem." Dr. Nameed smiles and slaps Jax on the back, "Now let's have some fun. Let's go meet this baby of yours."

Jax smiles back at him. "Yeah, let's."

Jax runs to get his scrubs on and he finishes scrubbing his hands he flies into the operating room. He rushes in and stops at Tara's side. She is so pale she would blend in with the sheets if it weren't for the blood stains on her face. He reaches down and sticks a strand of loose hair under the paper cap. She seems so small here in the operating room under the big bright lights. He bends down and kisses her forehead then leans in and whispers in her ear, "I love you Tara and I am here. Like I promised I am here for you and our baby, everything is going to be fine." Jax is standing beside Tara as they are getting ready for the delivery of their baby boy.

Tara has been prepped for delivery and is lying motionless on the operating table. Jax is starting to get antsy shifting from one foot to the other waiting; he knows that Tara and his baby's lives are at stake. There hasn't been time to get her undressed and into a gown so for the time being she has just been stripped of her pants with a sheet draped over her knees. Jax readily admits that he has never been in the exam room with Tara as she was being examined, but he is starting to get pissed. He is pretty sure that the whole office staff didn't come in and take a peek at her while she was spread out on the table. _Is this how it's supposed to be? Did Tara have to put up with this during Thomas' delivery? If one more person other than Dr. Lewis sticks her hands under that sheet I swear I'll rip their goddamn heads off. I can't believe my wife is getting goddamn molested right in front of me. NO ONE has a right to be looking at her there but me! Did Opie see this; did he WANT to see this? Okay, Jax, you need to pull your shit together. This is normal, just what happens when your wife has your baby. I know things are different this time this is a life and death situation but JESUS CHRIST was that just the fucking janitor. Seriously this needs to stop. Oh, shit they didn't_..._they just took the sheet down. They just took down the one thing that was keeping the last bit of Tara's modesty intact. Does she know they do this? _

It was at that time that Dr. Nammed spoke, breaking him out of his trance, "Jax, you might want to watch now your son is about to be born" Jax slowly looks up with wide eyes and watches Dr. Lewis use the forceps to help guide the baby, no _his_ baby along. Even with all chaos in the room Jax stands mesmerized as Tara's body produces his son, his son is coming into this world and at that moment it doesn't matter who is looking at what, or who has their hands on Tara. The whole world could be watching, it just doesn't matter anymore his son is here. "He's a beautiful baby boy Jax. Are you ready to cut the cord?" Dr. Lewis spoke to Jax patiently knowing this whole situation has not been easy on him. "Yes, yes." With that Jax takes the surgical scissors handed to him and he cuts the cord that has been the life-line from Tara to their baby boy. Now the baby is all, on his own. He thinks to himself shaking his head lightly _I did it I actually cut my baby's umbilical cord. _Jax figures that he must look like a bumbling-idiot he is just standing in a daze while the nurses keep pointing to the next place he needs to go. He can faintly hear in the background someone keep repeating the time 11:41 over and over again.

He follows the doctors and nurses running into the adjoining room with the baby. He stands off to the side watching; the room is in a frenzy everyone is moving around doing something to save the life of his newborn son. The baby hasn't cried, hasn't made a sound, but he knows his baby is still alive because a nurse is squeezing a black bag looking thing pumping air into his lungs. He is cleaned up a little, before they put him in a glass capsule like container on wheels Dr. Nameed and Dr. Spencer stop to let Jax touch his son. The nurse removes the bag just for a second so Jax can see his son's face. It is happening so fast. Jax is in shock but he lightly brushes the back of his hand on his baby's tiny little face, then he touches his tiny hand and just then he grabbed Jax's finger. _Damn he's strong._The baby looking Jax dead in the eye with a stare so intense it makes Jax shiver, he is taken aback, that was a Tara stare, and love swells through Jax like nothing he has ever felt before. He is amazed truly amazed, that you can fall in love with something or someone that fast. Just in a split second and it's done. Dr. Nameed smiles at him. "We have to go." Jax nods and he watches as they put his baby in a space capsule running him down to the NICU. Jax follows them out of the room, watching them rush his baby up the hall. He is standing there watching, thinking. _They put my first son in a toaster and my third son in a space capsule. _He snorts and shakes his head. Dr. Nameed tells Jax, "Go to the waiting room and as soon as we know either Tara's or your son's prognosis we will come and get you.

"Thanks, doctor. I mean it." Dr. Nameed pats him on the back then briskly heads up the hall following the space capsule carrying Jax and Tara's baby.

All Jax can do now is wait not only for his wife but for his son as well. Standing there gathering his thoughts so much has happened, he looks at the clock, 20 minutes is that all, they have only been here 20 minutes so far it seems like years. His mind goes back to Tara lying on the operating table giving birth to their son he wonders _how am I going to keep it together, I can't let Tara down this time, not this time, I just can't. I had rather face 100 bullets that to be standing here right now. _Before he heads to the waiting room with the rest of his family to update them on Tara and the baby he sits in a nearby chair. He takes a deep breath he needs a minute, just one minute to get his shit together.

Jax doesn't know how long he was sitting there when he feels a slap on the back and a hand on his shoulder. He turns and Happy is standing there by his side wearing an unusual smile. They walk together where the rest of his family is waiting for an update on Tara and the baby.

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Jax and Hap join their family in the waiting room as everyone sitting around talks in quiet voices.

"JAX."

Jax turns around and smiles "Hey Beverly." Beverly is Happy's old lady, well the guys call her his old lady but not to his Happy's face. Beverly is a coworker of Tara's she is a nurse in NCIU. Beverly will be joining the neonatologist team at the Women's Center. She plans to volunteer in the clinic as well.

"Hi, the recovery room just called looking for you Tara has just been moved there."

Jax looks at her expectantly, "And?"

"And you can go see her," Beverly realizes that's not what Jax's is asking. "She got through surgery just fine. That is all I really know right now."

"Okay thanks. Hap can you go to NICU and make sure NO ONE gets to the baby? I am going to go check on Tara." Jax doesn't wait for an answer because there is no need he knows Happy isn't going to move from his post.

Beverly looks at Happy as he puts his arm around her shoulder, "Do you think he will be alright?"

Happy looks down at her and smirks "He'll be fine. He is doing a hell of a lot better than last time." Then he mutters to himself. "He'd better fucking be fine this time."

She looks at him all confused. "I thought he was in prison last time when Thomas was born?"

"He was and that was hell to watch him go through that, you couldn't help to be sad and happy at the same time but I was referring to the last emotional turmoil that happened to his family when Abel was kidnapped."

"Yeah I remember that, it wasn't a good time around here, it was so depressing and helpless feeling. You couldn't help but to want to take Tara in your arms and hold her, protect from the club and take her away from here it just wasn't right. Then she was kidnapped."

"I know what you mean, a lot of the guys felt the same way. We didn't agree with the way he was treating Tara. Didn't matter to us if he called it quits and dump her as his old lady. None of us believe that bullshit anyway, Tara will always be family to SAMCRO. I missed it that morning but from what I heard I'm glad I did. Tig and Koz stayed here and I know she was hanging around the clubhouse cuz' she didn't want to stay at her dad's old house and she had for all intent and purposes moved out of Jax's so she hung around and slept in Opie's old room. Tig said she wouldn't go in Jax's room and she would just stare in the door so he had one of the prospects lock the door so she couldn't open it up. After the second night she was kidnapped and I think that was the scaredest Tig and Piney ever were."

Beverly was more confused than ever. "Jax wouldn't be mad at them because it wasn't their fault."

"No, it wasn't, Tara grew up in SAMCRO. She was Opie and Jax's best friend and you can't swallow shit happening to your own. She followed them everywhere like a kid sister. She had an abusive father and when he fell off the wagon she would run away to Piney's. Piney would protect her with his life, so would the other guys. JT, Jax's dad, thought the world of her so much he beat up Tara's dad put him in the hospital for beating the shit out of her. By that time Tara and Jax were in love each other they were so in love you wanted to vomit. I was in Tacoma and would come down with Kozik for club business with the Mother Charter; they knew how to take care of the guys, how to have a good time.

"I remember when Tara graduated from high school she was valedictorian and she was pissed because Jax was going on a run and wouldn't be there for her graduation. She pouted and cried for a goddamn week. I was feeling sorry for the poor girl, she had worked her ass off and no one was going. Jax had quit school in his junior year and Opie finished barely but they can say what they want Opie stayed to protect Tara. Then I found out that the run was only a day and it was a couple of days before graduation so if anything went wrong they could still get back in time for graduation. Tara never came around if Jax was gone so the brothers decked the clubhouse out big time for her graduation party, a surprise party. All of SAMCRO slipped into the graduation ceremonies, hell I went too you couldn't help but to be proud of Tara. She was smart, kept Jax on his toes and knew that she wanted more in life. I thought there wasn't any way possible that Jax could stay away from her before the party but he was adamant that it was going to be a surprise and he kept busy getting things ready and lying low. When she came out on that stage to give her speech SAMCRO was hooping and hollering you could see the tears and her red face, I didn't think she would be able to finish her nerd speech but she did. When she got her diploma there was so much noise and screaming the bleachers shook it was unbelievable. Tara snatched the paper out of the Principal's or whoever's hand it was and turned around and opened her gown. Jax thought she was going to flash us, hell everybody did it happened so fast but she had on a brand new SAMCRO reaper t-shirt on. I don't think that Jax, Clay, Gemma, Piney hell the whole damn club had ever been prouder. The thing is she didn't know we would be there and she was going to do it on her own without them. Or at least she had the t-shirt on and the flashing came to mind later. There was a hell of a party that night and it's still considered a legendary party that went on that night. It's the night SAMCRO rocked Charming, people came out of the woodworks for that party even the whole town came together to PARTY."

"That sounds like that was fun."

Happy squeezed her tight, "Baby it was."

Beverly was thoughtful for a moment, then smiled. "I'm going to go get me something to eat. You want me to bring you something back?"

"Yeah I'll take a turkey on wheat, with white cheese, mustard, no mayo and a Dr. Pepper."

"Okay, I'll see you here at your post."

"Hey," Happy said a little sternly. "Don't take it lightly, Gemma is likely to come back and finish the job she started. Whatever the reason for all of this I assure you the reason it's still there and she WILL try to kill them again." Beverly just looked at him and could see that he was serious, dead serious, and he took his job seriously. They had only been dating a couple of months she had heard rumors of killings but she hadn't believed them but now... she wonders. She kisses Happy on his cheek and leaves for the cafeteria and Happy takes his post out in front of the NICU. She just can't understand why anyone would want to harm Tara she is one of the most loved doctors in this whole hospital. Especially Jax's mother. Not only did she harm Tara she harmed the baby too.

* * *

Jax is scared shitless. He has been allowed to see Tara in the recovery room and his wife is still unconscious she is as pale as she was earlier, she looks so frail. She still has blood caked on her face and head that no one has cared enough to clean it off. He can't stand to see her with all that blood on her and it reminds him of when she was kidnapped and had Lousia's blood all over her, so Jax ask the nurse for some gauze and something that he can clean her up with. She brings the supplies in for Jax and he gently and gingerly cleans the dried blood off of her face, he gets a wet towel and carefully takes the towel and tries to wipe off as much of the crimson blood out of her hair as he as he can, he's mindful of her stitches and staples. Luckily they didn't have to do a hysterectomy but she needed a transfusion, she had lost so much blood. They feel optimistic that she didn't lose enough blood to cause any permanent brain damage but now it is just a game of wait and see when she regains consciousness, and he has been warned that it could take a little time. Her head is bandaged where she needed 20 stitches across her forehead and hairline, 6 staples closing the laceration on top of her head and she has 3 cracked ribs lightly wrapped it is a miracle that they aren't all broken. It has been determined that she has a severe concussion from the fall and should wake up on her own it could be days.

In his mind all he sees is Tara laying in all of that blood. Blood was everywhere he doesn't think that he has ever seen that much blood before and he has seen a lot of blood, hell he's an outlaw. He knows he has only been this scared one other time before and that was when Abel as kidnapped. Not even seeing Half Sack dead on his kitchen floor or finding the dead girl Salazar killed on the side of the road. He was so scared then it took everything he had to lift that blanket up to look under, to make sure it wasn't Tara. There was just so much blood so much damn blood that's all he can see.

Jax pulls a chair from the wall over beside her bed to sit down in. Leaning in talking to her in a low even strong voice and brushing his mouth and whiskers lightly against her ear telling her, "Everything is going to be okay you are going to be fine. Abel is safe. You did it, Babe we have a little boy you did great, I was there with you just like I promised, I love you Tara."

He remembers when they were in high school and he would sit behind Tara in class. He would lean over his desk where the teacher couldn't see him and whisper in her ear just barely letting his mouth and whiskers brush lightly against her ear. This would drive Tara absolutely fucking crazy giving her goose bumps and chills down her spine and he would start laughing when he saw her shiver. He knows that he still has that effect on her. He would give anything if she would give him just one of those 'I am going to kill you Jackson Teller when I get out of here' looks, just one that's all he is asking for is just one. He smiles at the memory closing his eyes and places his head in his hands.

He sits there like that for almost an hour before Margaret comes in to check in on him and Tara. She asks him, "Is there anything you need or that I can get for you?"

"No we are fine."

She asks him, "Did anyone tell you how big the baby is?" He smiles and shakes his head with a smile Margaret tells him, "He weighs 4 pounds and 0 ounces and is 18" long." Jax thanks her and she tells him, "If you need anything just let me know" she quietly slips out the door.

He is left alone with his thoughts. He is scared and he doesn't care who knows it when it comes to Tara he is not afraid to show how much he loves her, his true emotions for her is what she loves the most. Her big badass biker, he loves her wholly never embarrassed or ashamed to show that he loves her no matter who is around. Anyone that knows them or sees them can see that they are still helplessly in love with each other it has always been Jax and Tara and they always will be Jax and Tara committed to each other and their boys. He will kill to protect her and he has, he will do it again over and over if necessary. When he finds out who all is involved in hurting his wife, trying to kill her and their unborn child hell hath no mercy he will find out who did this. When he does they will answer to him but right now the most important thing is getting his wife and child stable. The other part will come in time, and when the time is right. It's just not right now.

Dr. Nameed has stayed much longer than necessary to keep an eye on Tara's progress. He finds Jax in the recovery room and tells him "I know I am not the baby's primary doctor but I offered to come and talk to you about what is going on with him. I know Tara could explain all of this to you but that isn't an option right now. The baby is in critical but stable condition at the moment. We have given him a blood transfusion fortunately your blood is a match. The transfusion has already elevated his blood pressure. We are hoping that it stays up then we won't have to give him anymore. There are no signs of a congenital heart defect for now. That's the good news. The baby also has RDS respiratory distress syndrome and we have him on the ventilator to give his lungs a chance to heal on their own. The first 72 hours are the most critical. There are different things that can happen along the way but for now we are just going to wait and see that's all we can do. You can see him from the window inside if you want, you will still need to scrub up before entering in that section but I am sure you still remember how." Jax smiles giving him a knowing nod. "You won't be able to touch him or go in there, we are still working on getting him settled but he's been cleaned up. You will have a good view of him from there however."

Before anything else can be said Jax is bolting down the hall to the NICU dressing room to put on his scrubs, on the way remembering the first time he put scrubs on when Abel was born and he had to go through the exact same thing.

Jax runs into Margaret as he is flying down the hall she stops him and asks him, "Is anything wrong with the baby?"

"No sorry I was just got the green light that I can go see him through the window, it isn't much but I will take it for now. I need to stop by the waiting room to tell everyone that he is situated in NICU."

Margaret offers, "Would you like me to go update the club on what has been happening and the status of Tara and the baby?"

He tells her, "I would greatly appreciate it. Can you tell them when I can break away from Tara and the baby I will be down there to see them. I don't know when that will be but I am not leaving Tara or the baby until they are stabilized so for now they need to stay available." He continues on to the NICU to take a peek at his son.

Margaret goes out to the waiting room where Chibs and Fiona are with the rest of the club standing around waiting. Margaret has gotten to know Fiona quite well in the past few months since she and Kerrianne have come to the states. She tells them, "Jax asked me to come and give you an update on Tara and the baby. The baby is in critical but stable condition in the NICU. He had lost a great amount of blood and he had a blood transfusion which has raised his blood pressure, now he is being watched to see if it holds. He has respiratory distress syndrome and they have him on a ventilator. He weighs 4 pounds and 0 ounces 18" long. Tara is still in recovery. She also had to have a blood transfusion they were able to stop the bleeding in surgery, so they didn't have to perform a hysterectomy. She has a severe concussion which will keep her out for a while they feel optimistic that she didn't lose enough blood to cause any damage to her brain and her head injury shouldn't be permanent. They will know more when she wakes up. She has a laceration on top of her head that took 6 staples and she has a cut on her forehead that required 20 stitches to close up along with 3 cracked ribs."

Chibs shook Margaret's hand "Thank you very much Margaret for updating us." Margaret replies before making her way back down the hall to her office.

"Jax said he will be down here as soon as Tara and the baby are stabilized."

After Margaret heads down the hall Tig speaks up, "I am heading over to Tara's room I don't trust hospital security to protect her. I don't know what Gemma will do if she finds out she is alive but my guess is that she was convinced that she is dead or else she wouldn't have left her lying there like that. I've had years of experience with Gemma and she is not one to give up or let things ride. Hap is with the baby. Tell Jax to call me if he needs me." With that Tig strolls down the hall to Tara's room to check in on her then takes a perch outside of her room.


	4. Chapter 3

Dr. Johnson, Tara's Neurologist and Dr. Lewis, her OB/GYN are waiting for Jax outside of Tara's ICU room. After the pleasantries have been exchanged Dr. Lewis tells Jax, "As you know already Jax we were able to stop Tara's bleeding and avoid a hysterectomy however; there is a chance Tara will experience infertility problems in the future. We can't say definitely until after Tara heals. We'll run the necessary tests then. Tara has some severe bruising in her lower back area from the fall. She also has three fractured ribs that have been wrapped. Along with the lacerations on her head that have been stitched and stapled. She has been given two litres of blood, and we are hopeful that is all she'll need. There is always the chance of brain damage with the amount of blood that Tara experienced, but we are optimistic she will make a full recovery. Tara's MRI shows that she has a severe concussion, but there doesn't seem to be any other damage. She will receive another one in 24-48s hour depending when she wakes up. She is still unconscious, and it could be a couple of days before she wakes up with this type of injury, we don't know. The good news is that Tara is breathing on her own and her blood pressure is back up and seems to be steady. Now we are just waiting for her brain to decide when it is safe for her to wake up. She is still listed in critical condition, and for now we will keep her in the ICU until she shows signs of improvement." The doctors excuse themselves and head in different directions.

With shaky hands Jax slowly and cautiously pulls the curtain back to peek in Tara's room. He is not prepared to see more machines hooked up to her; there are more now than there were in the recovery room. All of these machines make her look smaller than normal and her color doesn't look any better but at least he was able to get most of the blood off of her face it makes her look somewhat better. He pulls a chair around all of the beeping machines and slumps down heavily next to the head of her bed. Taking her small, soft hand in his and kissing it he sits there holding her hand trying to take a minute to collect himself. He strokes the back of her hand with his large callused thumb, while listening to the sounds of the machines.

His eyes are brimming over with tears that have been on the verge of spilling since he got that first call from Abel. He leans over to kiss her, and thinks how sweet her lips taste even now. He thinks _what if I will never be able to taste her again? _He stares into space as he gently strokes her hair and starts to tell her all about the baby again "Baby he weighs 4 pounds and is 18" long with hair dark hair. Tara I can never thank you enough for giving me another beautiful son. You did such a good job, I am so proud of you babe. I'll admit I was scared shitless without you telling me what to do but I figured it out." He can't help but to chuckle because there isn't a doubt in his mind that Tara would be doing just that in between contractions. He can't help it he loves his girl, every neurotic part about her. He can't deny that "living the life" all these years has curbed that down compared to how neurotic she used to be in high school before Tara started hanging out with his wild ass.

"I need to talk to you, babe, about names for the little guy we never really narrowed it down from our list, we thought we had plenty of time for that. I have decided that he should have a strong name, for a strong little boy. I have a few ideas. You know the roller coaster ride my emotions have been on for the past three years concerning my dad. There have been so many confusing things about my father that have been uncovered but he was still my idol for 15 years and he taught me to be fearless and to use my mind and to love openly with my heart. To always question what is going on and think it through. I want to name our baby John after him, the father I love. I also want to name him after the important, strong men in my life that have fought like warriors, men that have protected me and you, our family. I want to name him John Filip Winston Teller after Dad, Chibs, and Piney and Opie. Of course I will wait for you to give me the final okay but that is what I am shooting for." He kisses the side of her head as he's relaying this to her.

After spending another 30 minutes talking to her and holding her hand, he kisses her palm, then her lips and tells her, "Hey after I talk to Margaret I'm going to go see the baby then I am going down to the waiting room to see the club. They are all down there, babe, every last one of them. I bet Margaret is praying that they behave. She's probably trying to find a room to stuff them all in so no one sees them."

Jax gets to Margaret's office and knocks on the door and she lets him in. Margaret and Tara have become good friends after the kidnapping. At first Jax wasn't real sure how this relationship was going to work especially since Margaret didn't particularly like him to say the least. Jax knows that Margaret filled Tara's ear about the possibilities of leaving Charming_. How can I fault her when she had Tara's best interest at heart?_ They have been spending more time together getting the center planned and built and Margaret finally sees the man that Tara had seen all along.

Jax sits down, "Margret I think we need to move the grand opening for the Women's Center back a month. I figure that will be as far as we can push it back. I want to let you know your salary will still start the same day it is supposed to. I don't won't you to have to worry about anything, take that time and do anything you need to do, just take a vacation spend time with your family, do whatever it is you want." She just smiles at him and gives him a slight nod knowing that Jax is making the right decision.

Jax admits, "I haven't been to the center for a couple of days but I know that Tara had been working on painting upstairs and I believe that is where...um...she left off. I don't really know what she had scheduled so I have to go through her things but I am not going to have time to do it anything in the next couple of days. I know she has a move in list in with her stuff, I guess we need to go from that and then let them know we will be a month behind and if need be, we can cover storage costs for anything that Tara had planned to be move in." Tara had been the one handling all of this because she hadn't started back to work yet so Jax is a little lost in what has actually been going on the past couple of weeks. The Women's Center is a joint adventure between Jax and Tara and she has been handling everything on her own the last few weeks. Jax had been busy with the club's newest investment "Playtime" a family entertainment center. Jax has also been busy with the club and their backing of the first and only mutli-sports complex for the Charming residents.

Margaret can see how the current events are affecting this young biker. "Jax, don't worry about any of that. Most of the people moving into the Women's Center work out of this hospital and we would gladly take care of that. These are people that are friends and we can all help do with what needs to be done. I will get the schedule from the Women's Center and make some calls. Don't worry about the Center. I will take care of that. But there is something else I think we need to talk about." Margaret lays her hand on top of his "And it doesn't have anything to do with the Center. It's personal."

Jax is confused about why Margaret would want to talk to him about something personal. He has no idea what it could be. Then Margaret begins, "Tara has left some things with me for safe keeping in case something ever happened to her. I was instructed to give them to you or Piney Winston, and since Piney is dead that only leaves you."

_Aww fuck this can't be good_. There is a look of pure shock and terror on Jax's face because he already knows if both Tara and Piney are involved it can't be good. The two people that Clay most felt threatened by; one is dead and the other's life has been drastically altered. He starts shifting in his chair threading his hands through his hair. _Shit_. He already doesn't like the sound of this. Jax rub his hands over his face and pulls at his beard trying calm himself and brace himself for whatever is coming next.

Margaret reaches in her desk drawer and pulls out a big manila envelope. "I feel these might have something to do with your mother and what is going on right now I'm not sure but they might be of some importance."

He looks at her wearily and asks, "What makes you think they would be about her?"

She looks and him and wants to shake him and tell him to wake the hell up but decides it wouldn't do any good. So she tells him, "Tara had locked the original documents in her desk drawer and happened to step out of her office one day for 5 minutes. When she came back your mother was sitting at her desk going through her drawer. Gemma gave some ridiculous excuse but Tara is anything but stupid and didn't believe her. Tara took them and made copies. I stopped by her office the next day and she asked me if I could keep something for her. She wanted to keep these safe, and told me if something happened to her then to please give these to you or Piney. When she pulled out the envelope and opened it she discovered there was nothing but blank pieces of paper in it. Tara's face fell and she looked pissed and scared but tried to play it off. Tara told me that she must have left them at home and she would bring them tomorrow. I had caught Gemma in her office twice that day going through her things. She made new copies and left them with me. This all started right around the time you were released from prison. I kept finding Gemma in Tara's office on a regular basis. Granted, she did have Thomas and was bringing him to be fed at lunch but she was still here all the time sitting at her desk going through Tara's things. I do know the ones that are original documents were locked in a safety deposit box at the bank. Once Tara had been told by the bank that Gemma was trying to get into all of the family's safety deposit boxes she brought those to me also."

"I think Tara has known that her life has been in danger for quite a while now, Jax. I can't imagine what she's been through going day in and day out knowing someone is trying to kill her and take what she loves the most in the world, more than herself, away from her."

"One day I was heading out of my office and heard Gemma threat to frame Tara for the nurse's murder and raise her two boys if she took the job at Providence. Some doctor's witnessed Gemma attack Tara one day in the corridor and had security escort her from the premises and she was ordered not to step foot in the hospital again. We tried to get Tara to tell you about the attack and I tried to talk her into giving you the envelope but she was scared. She didn't have enough confidence that you loved her enough to show you what was in this envelope. I feel that maybe Tara was being forced by Gemma not to give you these papers. I got the feeling from Tara that she knew her life was endangered. I tried to get her to leave but she wouldn't leave without you. She said that you had to be the one who wanted to leave, that you had to do it on your own. She was enthusiastic after your release because she thought you were leaving so I just let it go. Then, as you know her hand, was 'hurt.'" Now Margaret really has his curiosity up since he knows what happened the last time anyone had any letters to read. He wonders if these are the same ones or something altogether different. As if reading his mind, Margaret tells him, "I don't think these are the same because once the other ones came to light Gemma still tried to break in Tara's office and get these. I've heard Gemma threaten Tara on numerous occasions, threatening Tara and saying you would always listen to his mother over his wife. Some of the doctors heard Gemma threatening Tara, telling her she knew Tara would do anything to stop you from getting these and causing you more pain. Gemma was dangling your happiness in front of Tara and controlling her actions.

Jax had to ask, "Why didn't Tara tell me about all of this especially if she feared for her life?" Jax wonders just how much Margaret knows about their life, Tara evidently tells her things and trusts her and Tara doesn't trust many people. It seems that being kidnapped together and one risking their life to save the other creates a strong bond.

"She didn't feel like you would believe her over your mother and it would be one more thing to draw you into staying here. Tara wanted more than anything for you to believe in her because she wanted away from all of this; Tara was convinced you wanted it too. She was led by blind faith in you. She is a smart woman and she knew you would never leave unless it was your idea and you controlled the way it was done. She was so happy when you first got out of prison and then not a week later all this drama over these documents started. I could see her getting anxious and that something had her scared and then she was afraid you wouldn't leave. The day you were leaving for Oregon was the happiest I had ever seen Tara. Not even when Thomas was born and she was over the moon that day. Why did she think that your love had limits? Why was she so doubtful of your commitment to her?"

Jax couldn't help but to snap at the question. "Because I have let her down so many times before, I have given her my word and that proved to be worthless. I've made promises and never kept one of them. I asked her to put her faith in me and showed her nothing in return. I have been selfish and never took her needs seriously. I always pushed her aside allowed everything else to be first especially the club. I haven't cherished her as she needs to be and deserves to be."

Margaret continued, "I am not sure if Tara would want me to give these to you now. I will deal with the fallout when that happens but if they can help catch Gemma then I am willing to take that chance. I don't like the way that Gemma has used Tara's family to manipulated her and even having the club play on Tara's biggest weaknesses her insecurities and loyalties. My intentions are not to add any undue stress and trouble, especially for Tara, but I have a feeling I can't shake that these hold an important clue about this situation. After giving me the letters, Tara came back and asked me to return them to saying that these would cause you too much pain. Later on that day Gemma attacked her and she brought them back that same day. On that day Tara told me not let her take these away from me again."

Jax is sitting there dumbfounded, "I didn't know Gemma attacked Tara."

"One of the hospital staff was standing behind Gemma and Gemma didn't see her. She heard Gemma say she knew that you and, Tara were leaving town. Gemma punched Tara in the gut and told her that you would never leave with her. Gemma actually told Tara she hoped that she was pregnant and would lose the baby."

Fuck, all of this had floored Jax because he was pretty sure Tara was pregnant then. He sits there for a few minutes to see if she is finished or if there is more, God he hoped not. "Margaret thank you, you have my word that this will not cause any trouble between Tara and I. I will use what is in here to the best of my ability to stop Gemma. I am not letting her hurt Tara or one of our boys again." Jax stuck out his hand Margaret took it then Jax turned and walked out the door.

When Jax left Margaret's office he stands outside of her door so stunned he takes a few minutes to get his mind straight and try to decide which way to go. He decides that the contents of the envelope can wait until later on tonight while he's in Tara's room watching over her. There isn't anything that he can do right now anyway, he is already at the hospital and she and the baby are guarded but he decides that it is time to beef up security_. If Gemma was willing to go through all that trouble for the letters what else has she done behind my back? What else was she capable of? This shit just keeps getting deeper. _ He is all twisted up and doesn't know what to do next or who to go see first. Then he decides to go check on the baby first so he can tell Tara how he is doing when he sees her.

Jax hasn't forgot the routine,_ scrub your arms first then work your way down to your hands, and then make sure you get under your fingernails._ Jax went to the closet and grabbed a pair of scrubs to change into when he has finished Jax turns and backs his way into the swinging doors like the hospital staff. There are so many precautions that have to be taken to make sure that infections aren't brought into NICU.

Turning around when he clears the door he stops dead in his tracks. Jax's heart starts racing; it feels like it will jump out of his chest and onto the floor. His hands start shaking, and he can hardly breathe and he feels sick to his stomach. There in front of him, lying motionless under bright hot lights is his precious baby boy heavily sedated without even a diaper on. There is a hose with tubing in his mouth being held in place by white tape. It covers his face and follows the contours down his throat. The hose is helping his lungs take in air while the ventilator was makes a hissing sound. _My poor little boy looks like he is being held together with white tape from head to toe, holding all the tubes, wires, IV's around his little 4 pound body. They are treating him like a fucking pin cushion, I just want to yell at everyone to STOP don't touch him, don't touch him again but I have to believe these doctors and nurses are doing everything within and beyond their ability to save my son but does it have to be like this?_ About that time a nurse comes in, and sticks his little toe, then squeezes it hard to make it bleed. The nurse uses a teeny glass coffee stirrer looking thing, then dabs it on the tiny drop of blood on his toe for a blood sample. It just made Jax sick to his stomach, how they were hurting his son, he's glad he's sedated so he doesn't feel all the pain inflicted on him since he was born. He had to remind himself, _this is what Tara would be doing if he was one of her patients she would be working her ass off to save her patient and I have to trust they will too. _

_I can't stand to see him go through much more he is a feeling, living being and he is my son._ Various machines are beeping and flashing alarms are flashing throughout the room. So many machines and monitors stuffed everywhere all working doing their job to keep a baby alive. There is activity all around him but Jax feels like he is in a tunnel; the sounds of beeps, alarms and voices are muffled around him. Alone, he walks over to the baby slowly with the feeling _that this isn't really happening to me, not to my baby, this baby is an innocent; my baby is an innocent._ _He never hurt anyone, he hasn't had the chance to taint his own soul but he is paying the price for someone else's demons._ When he reaches him Jax gently rubs the dark hair on his head, gently caressing him Jax can't help but to smile. He takes his big calloused finger and puts it in John's tiny limp hand. The same hand that hours ago, hell he doesn't know how many, time is still as far as he is concerned, grabbed his finger and looked him dead in the eyes like, 'Daddy don't let them hurt me.' He will never forget that moment and feeling for the rest of his life, it was nothing that he had ever experienced before. Such a pure unmarred soul looking straight through him he could feel it in his heart it had been scorched he had been branded by his 5 minute old baby boy. Jax is thinking, _I have never felt anything as soft as his baby's skin_ as he takes the backs of his fingers and glides them lightly up the baby's arm and cheek. He looks up to see if he can tell what all the machines are doing. He can see the one with his blood pressure and his heartbeat on the heart monitor. _We just saw his heart beat 2 weeks ago and it didn't look like that_ Jax thought.

Jax ever so lightly takes his index finger and strokes the light brown downy arms Jax thinks to himself, _I don't remember this fuzz on Abel when he was born of course Abel was a little older. I don't remember feeling this scared either. I guess I didn't really know what being a father was about then, hell I didn't even have a clue. I guess that's a good thing I might have run away if I did. But now it's different I have two boys no three boys and a wife, I know what family is and I love my family more than anything, more than the club. I was going to leave the club for my family but we couldn't, we were in a bind and I had to stay so I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in prison and lose them for good. I hated the club for keeping me here, Tara hated the club for keeping me here, but it was my own fault. I let the greed and the hope for us to get away get us caught in this trap. It wasn't the only trap they already had the goods on us and we would have went away anyways. Tara helped clear us there but almost lost her freedom doing it. Now she could lose her life and our son is fighting for his. _"You were keeping your mama and me together little guy, she's been through so much and would have left me but because of you she was sticking it out. You have to get better because I need you, your mother needs you, your brothers need you. You are the glue that has been keeping our family together."

Dr. Spencer walked into the room but Jax doesn't see him. "Hey Jax."

Jax turns around and shakes his hand. "Hey."

Dr. Spencer places a hand on Jax's shoulder, "How are you holding up?"

Jax sighs "I really don't know. I'm running on adrenaline and nerves. I 'm exhausted and angry and I am scared shitless at the moment."

"Believe me with the night you've had I completely understand."

"What is this fuzz that is all over the baby? Abel didn't have it."

The fuzz as you call it is lanugo it protects the skin until the skin becomes thicker it usually goes away around the 28th week of gestation, so he was already starting lose it, it is usually a lot thicker than this. I need to speak with you about your son's condition in my office. There are things that I haven't gone over with you yet.

Jax takes a deep breath lets it out slowly. Here it is; the conversation that he has been dreading. "Can Dr. Nameed sit in with us? I know that Tara will have questions that I will not be able to remember or answer and she trusts him."

Dr. Spencer smiles. Having worked with Tara he knows that Jax is exactly right. "I will be happy to page him and have him meet us in my office in 15 minutes. Is that okay with you?

"Yeah, that'll be fine."

Jax continues his visit with his baby until it's time to meet with his doctors. He has the weight of the world on his shoulder and all he can think about as he watches his son is._ Letters more letters. I can't believe that my mother would try to kill my wife and our unborn child. That is just something I can't wrap my head around but why am I surprised, with the way she has been acting lately? I still can't believe she did this to my innocent son._

Finishing his visit with John, Jax makes his way to the other side of the NICU. He gets to Dr. Spencer's and the door is open Jax knocks on the door. Dr. Johnson waves him in and tells him to have a seat.

Jax sits down with Dr. Spencer, the baby's Neonatologist, and per Jax's request, Tara's former boss, Neonatal Surgeon Dr. Nameed. Dr. Spencer speaks, "Jax I understand that you have asked Dr. Nameed here to help you understand what is happening to your baby but also to be able to help you talk to Tara about his condition when she wakes. We all know that Tara understands what can, is, and has been happening to the baby; she is a Neonatal Surgeon after all. But when she rouses, then, she won't be a doctor, but a mother trying to make sense of her child's condition, and a mother that is missing the first days of her son's life."

Dr. Spencer continues, "We have come to a little bump in the road. Your baby has shown signs of Patent Ductus Arteriosus we just call it PDA to make it simpler. PDA is a blood vessel in the heart that connects the aorta, which provides bloods to the rest of the body, to the pulmonary artery, which send blood to the lungs. This allows blood to bypass the lungs when the baby is still in the womb. This vessel usually closes shortly after birth which allows for normal blood circulation. But with some babies, mainly premature ones, it remains open. When this happens blood flows in to the lungs causing respiratory problems. We are treating him now with a medicine, called nsaids, which is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug. We will monitor him and if the nsaids doesn't appear to be working he will have to have surgery. We will be going in to close the blood vessel manually. Do you have any questions?"

Bewildered Jax looks at Dr. Spencer like he is crazy. _Of course I have questions_. "Yeah a million of them. Is this surgery dangerous?"

"It's more dangerous not to have the surgery. He can't live with blood filing his lungs. If this medicine doesn't work then he will have to have this surgery."

"Okay then there's no question about what needs to be done then," Jax replies.

Dr. Spencer glances at Dr. Nameed quickly before looking Jax in the eye, "There is something else that we haven't spoken about yet and I think that it is time we do." Jax shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "We need to discuss the medical problems that most premature babies his age face."

"Like what?" Jax said defensively.

"Being on the ventilator can cause too much or too little oxygen to enter the lungs which can be harmful. If his body doesn't receive enough oxygen, energy production decreases. With too little energy the cells may not work well and may die, and his growth may be stunted as a result. Many of the developing organs, including the brain and heart, may be injured."

Jax dreads continuing the conversation but knows the doctor has to finish. "Too much oxygen can damage the lung. Too much oxygen in the blood may also lead to problems with his brain and eye. Babies with certain heart conditions may also need lower levels of oxygen in the blood. It is a tricky balance."

"Less than ideal oxygen levels can result in cerebral palsy, blindness, hearing loss, epilepsy, autistic spectrum disorder, learning disabilities and other psychological disorders. Then there is sleep apnea which carries its own lists of concerns. In addition premature babies have twice the chance of full term babies of developing schizophrenia or some other type of mental disorder. There can be digestive problems also, resulting in a feeding tube or severe acid reflux. There are heart murmur concerns. The most severe cases can cause the brain to hemorrhage."

"I am not saying your son will have these conditions. I just want to make you aware that there is the possibility of permanent disabilities, some severe. I know this is a lot to take in today, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you. You do have a reason to be optimistic. You have a healthy son at home that was a preemie at birth and he is just fine. Just remember that."

Dr. Nameed speaks quietly. "You haven't told us the name of your boy, Jax. Had you and Tara decided?"

Jax smiles softly. "I would like to name John but I don't have the final approval from his mother yet."

Dr. Nameed shakes his head. "That's a good strong name."

Jax thanks Dr. Spencer and Dr. Nameed for their time and walks out the office as fast as he can to the waiting room outside of the NICU and sits down with his head in his hands.

_FUCK_


	5. He Matters

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_**He Matters...**_

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_**As I look down at my son, the son that means so much to his family, a son that is loved more than words, a son that is wanted, still wanted, it doesn't matter what they say could be wrong with him if he survives that doesn't matter.**_

_**I will still love him, his mother will still love him, oh god will his mother love him, she will hold him close to her breast and nurture him like his brothers and dare anyone to hurt him, he won't be different not to us. **_

_**He will still be the son we wanted, the son we want to survive, it doesn't matter, he is still our son, why would it matter? How could it matter? We still want him. **_

_**To hold him in our arms, to love him and protect him from all things bad, don't tell me that he doesn't matter because he does, he matters to me, his mother, his brothers. **_

_**He matters to us.**_

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_**from the journal of Jax Teller**_


	6. Chapter 4

A special thank you to McIlwain for her constant pushing and nudging and helping me take a pile of words and some ancient history and make a story out of them.

* * *

Thank you kiara8921's Heart of the Lioness for sending her Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter is in need of their help.

* * *

When Jax walks into the waiting room he can't help but to chuckle. It looks like a SOA camping trip with all the guys all laid across chairs and couches. He figures that Margaret is having a duck fit right about now. They didn't show any signs of going home any time soon and the brothers they seem to have multiplied from earlier today. It suddenly dawns on him the only ones that aren't here, are the ones that are either on guard duty or running an errand for the club.

So much has happened in the past year with Clay and Gemma that Jax has forgotten just how much the guys really love Tara. Since she had her accident almost 9 months ago-hell, accident wasn't even the word for it since she was almost killed 9 months ago Jax had been walking around carrying so much guilt that he would subconsciously walked around Tara, he couldn't face her. When he should have went straight to her and taken her in his arms and told her how much he loves her instead of trying to stay clear of her. He knew that Tara had felt it too. She kept trying to get him to talk to her, but his guilt prevented him from it. His lack of communication was the reason he lost Tara the first time, it almost happened again, he was eat up with so much guilt he couldn't face her, couldn't look her in the eye, so stayed away from her, then almost lost her to a prison sentence.

Tara was going to go to prison for him and the club too, the club that she so desperately wanted him free from. It was all for him because she wanted a life where their boys would be safe. Tara, was tired of worrying whether Jax was safe. She didn't want to be worrying every minute he wasn't home; worrying if he would be coming home full of bullet holes and worrying that he wouldn't be coming home because he was full of bullets. Only SAMCRO knows about Tara's endless sacrifices. Other charters just think of her as she is Jax's old lady, the doctor. She has stitched up a few and done a few minor surgical procedures on some.

Jax looks out across the full to capacity waiting room he sees cuts, they are from other charters, SAMCRO doesn't wear their cuts all the time like they did before. They don't wear them at all when they are taking care of their business interests. It makes Jax's heart fill with pride, that his old lady is loved by his brothers and for the brotherhood that runs deep within his heart. They are all here together showing their support for him and Tara, sleeping in chairs, hanging out at the hospital when they could be doing something or someone else. But instead they're here and not going to leave this hospital until they receive word that Tara is alright.

Jax has to let the guilt go, especially now. He knows that he can't help but to feel guilty-for god sakes his mother is the one that has caused this damage to Tara, to their baby, to his family. There were times in the past that he sees now, he should have defended Tara. He understands that now, he always believed Gemma was just doing it because she loved him too much. Jax always excused her behavior because he felt sorry for Gemma after losing his brother Tommy. Now he sees through Gemma's bull shit. If Jax had listened to his wife all along maybe this wouldn't have happened. His wife would still be pregnant, at home, getting ready to go to bed for her nap. He'd been worrying Tara has being so anxious and tired; he could tell something was bothering her. He'd asked Chibs if Tara was like that while he was in prison. Chibs told him honestly, "No she was tired but she was running the garage, working at the hospital and taking care of the SONS, all along with a baby on her hip." This is something else Jax needed to apologize for.

Bobby has just returned with sandwiches for everybody along with Abel and Thomas. They are so excited to see their Daddy. Abel wants to go see the baby and his; mommy you can tell that he is scared and worried about her. Abel is a little timid which is not at all like him. He is usually hell on wheels, but this is to be expected considering what happened last night. He feels sorry for the poor little guy and his heart aches because he went through that. _No, he shouldn't have had to go through that, it should've never happened_.

Jax gets a sandwich and sits down with Abel to eat. Jax franically looks from brother to brother to find his son, finally he sees Thomas on the other side of the room entertaining Jury, he can breathe now, he knows Thomas is safe.

Jax doesn't think that he is hungry but as he starts eating Jax realizes he hasn't eaten since breakfast yesterday and he's famished he sits there and eats every bit of his sandwich. The boys split a sandwich and eat it all. It is a miracle they've been mellow this long with the circus atmosphere going on around them. Jax thinks it has something to do with the idea they have to behave if they want to see their little brother. He never told them that but he could almost guarantee that Bobby did to get them to stay quiet.

Meanwhile Chibs fills him in on what's been done so far. He tells Jax, "I went with Juice and Eli. we pulled the security tape from the Women's Center and it clearly shows Gemma's brutal attack on Tara. Tara never saw her coming. Gemma came after her from behind at the top of the stairs and grabbed her trying to throw her down the stairs. Tara tried to get away, out of her reach, she put up a hell of a fight but she didn't stand a chance, she couldn't fight her off. Gemma was wild there wasn't anything Tara could do. We are lucky that Tara is still alive, 'cuz Gemma meant to kill her. You don't need to see the tape, it would be for the best if you didn't brother," Chibs tells Jax honestly.

"I've called in extra security from the Nomads, Fresno and Tacoma."

Jax wants to know, "How many are coming?"

Chibs tells him, "Minimum 3 from each charter patches only told 'em if we would send for prospects if we need more bodies. I talked to Chris he's coming and bringing Leonard, Vin and Frankie. I talked to Lee he is sending Donut, Lorca and Bowie. I don't know who the Nomads are sending. Bobby called Vivica to see if she can come help get things set up she's coming with Chris and the guys. She said to wait and let her see what she thinks, if we need more help or if she thinks she can handle it on her own. She told him that she might be able to get by with just herself if we had a couple of good loyal sweetbutts. We can't expect those boys to come stay here and we not take care of 'em. Chris is sending some young patches to help her. Gemma could see Vivica as a threat, I am half expecting Gemma to stroll in the clubhouse like nothing has happened, trying to take charge."

Chibs continues with the update, "Gemma is still on the run. I have reached out to Alvarez and the Grimm Bastards along with all of the SOA charters, Juice has sent pictures of Gemma along with her description to all of them, they're all are on the lookout. He included a picture and profile of Nero too."

Jax thinks for a second, "After I take the boys to see their baby brother I need someone to take them back to the clubhouse and keep them there? They'll stay with Phil without any problem Bobby too." Jax sincerely tells Chibs, "I don't expect you Fiona to stay with them it's just too much to ask of you." He turns to Tig "I want you to continue guarding Tara, tell Happy to stay with the baby. I'm not leaving the hospital anytime soon so I will be here too."

"The prospects are supposed to be covering the 3 hospital entrances the main, emergency and service entrances," Chibs adds. "The guys all of them have donated blood to build back up the SOA supply."

That pleases Jax, now he understands the importance of having the blood when it's needed. "Good, I'm glad they did. Everyone needs to be on high alert and I want patches at the clubhouse around the clock to watch the boys I volunteer Bobby and Phil with babysitting duties."

Jax smiles down at his oldest boys, "Come on boys let's go see your baby brother." He picks Thomas up and reaches for Abel's hand and heads for the NICU to meet the youngest Teller son. When they arrive Jax lifts Thomas-holds him up to the window and showing him the baby. He tells Thomas, "That is your baby brother now you are a big brother." Thomas whips his head around brows furrowed and looks at Jax quizzically. You can tell by the 'what the fuck' look on his son's face that it's perfectly clear they haven't explained what it means to have a new brother, especially a baby brother. They had forgotten to have "the talk" with Thomas, well, not necessarily forgot just hadn't had a chance to get around to it yet, thinking they had plenty of time to explain things to him. Jax knows the importance of being the baby to Thomas prides himself in being the baby of the family; hell "baby" was his first word. Well more ore like "bah" while pointing to himself. His whole quirky personality is based on being the baby of the family. Jax pulls him close and hugs him tight then kisses him, "You will always be a baby in our hearts Thomas." Jax isn't sure if he understands him or not but it seems to have calmed him down.

Thomas points to himself "Buver" then he leans in front of Jax's face and cupped his little hands on both sides of Jax's cheeks. Thomas, looking Jax in the eyes getting closer and closer staring in his eyes then lays a big wet sloppy kiss on Jax's cheek, "Oh, thank you buddy I needed that." Which Jax realizes, he did. Thomas smiles real big, he starts moving up and down in Jax's arms while pumping his little arms and legs. With his little finger bent he points to the baby then he blows him a kiss and starts laughing and Jax can't help it he has to laugh with him. Then he kisses the top of Thomas's head and out of habit takes in his scent and holds him tight telling him, "I love you buddy," Thomas lays his head on Jax's shoulder hugging his neck tightly looking through the window at his brother, he seems happy there for a little while.

Jax looks at Abel next. Abel is a little reluctant to see the baby, he figures it's because of the state Tara was in when she left in the ambulance. Although Abel wasn't in the room, he was in the back and knew what was going on. He called the ambulance, he saw her before anyone else did. _Yeah, he knew definitely what was going on. _

Jax sets Thomas down "Stay right here Buddy I am going to show Abel the baby" Thomas holds onto Jax's pant leg; looking up he gives Jax two hard nods. Jax smiles at him then picks his brother up. Abel he seems less frightened. "Abel that is your baby brother." Abel doesn't say anything. He's wide-eyed taking in everything that is happening on the other side of the glass. Then he hugs his daddy tightly and puts his head down on his shoulder. "Are you tired little man?"

Abel nods, "I want to see Mommy." Then Thomas starts jumping up and down holding on to Jax's pant leg yelling, "Mommy, MOMMY up up," holding his arms up. Jax thinks to himself _yeah I want Mommy too._ He sets Abel down. "I know boys but she is asleep right now and she will be for a long time. She is really is tired, she worked real hard getting your baby brother here and she needs to get her rest so she can hurry up and come home."

That doesn't make them any happier and Jax is wondering what if anything can he do to make Abel feel a little better but he knows that the only thing that can make him happy is Tara. Abel is really quiet but doesn't need to see her yet. Thomas seems to just be getting started. He starts crying. "Mommy... Mommy." His little angel is all wild and his wild man is far from it today. Then Abel tries to squeeze in between Jax's legs to hide so he picks Abel back up. Jax's starting to wonder just how much and exactly what Abel saw last night? He's hoping to all that is mighty, his son didn't see the brutal attack his mother put on Tara. No, his son never needs to see that. If they don't want Jax to see it he sure as hell doesn't want his son to have seen it firsthand. Jax looks at Abel, watching him closely, not really sure what he is looking for other than being shy and a little 'off' he seems fine, Jax guesses. _Oh shit what if something is really wrong with him, how do I know? What do I look for? Could he have seen the attack? No, my son couldn't have seen that. No he couldn't have seen that, not my baby. It would kill me to know that Abel witnessed the actual attack. That he saw his mommy falling down the stairs. No... No, he couldn't have seen it. He wouldn't ever recover from that, would he? Abel can't be another innocent destroyed because of his ruthless grandmother. She will pay for this... yes she will. If it is the last thing I do, I promise my boys that she won't be able to hurt them again._

The boys are starting to get cranky he picks Thomas up which calms him down immediately. Now he has a cranky son in each arm clinging to his neck and he wonders _how and I going to carry the baby too, I guess I will just have to get one of those wrap around things_.

Jax heads on down stairs to hand the boys back over to Bobby so he can take them back to the clubhouse and put to bed. Originally Jax thought the boys need to stay at home in their own beds with their own surrounding but Jax realized that he didn't know when he would be home and it would be foolish for him to do that when they can be a whole lot safer in their apartment in the clubhouse. As long as his murderous mother is lurking about then he will take every precaution to keep his family safe. Something he should've been doing in the first place. If he had then none of this would be happening to his family. He shudders to think what she would have done to Abel if Gemma knew he was there.

Chibs is hanging up his cell as Jax and the boys walk up. Chibs asks him, "Hey, has there been any changes with Tara-luv?"

You can see the worry and strain on Jax's handsome weathered face. "No man, everything is the same so far. There hasn't been any change. Can you take these two and make sure they get back to the clubhouse with Bobby? They need to get back they're tired and not happy. They want their M.O.M.M.Y." Jax spells it out; he isn't about to say it and have them screaming again.

"Sure, whatever you need; it's yours consider it done."

Chibs takes them from a grateful Jax. "Thank you, I will see you later man." Jax hated to see his boys go; they ground him, keep him on the right track, bring him a peacefulness like nothing else does. But they're tired; still he needs them here with him, needs to be able to touch them and hug them but that would be shellfish. They don't need to be here they need to be back in the apartment in their beds where there is some type of normalcy besides there is too much excitement going on around them and they're confused enough.

Chibs pats him on his shoulder noticing the worry on the younger man's face. "No problem brother we'll keep them safe. Do you need anything else?"

"Naw man, I'm okay. Just take care of my boys and don't let anything happen to them." Jax hands Thomas over to Chibs and kisses his and Abel's cheek before setting him down on the floor. "I love you boys. Behave and I will see you tomorrow." The boys ignore him and Chibs slaps him on the back while Jax heads back down the hall. Jax is too worried about their brother and their mother to be offended by their behavior. Chibs heads towards Bobby carrying Thomas while holding on to Abel's hand.

Bobby walks over to Chibs, "Is he alright man?"

Chibs grunts, "As long as Tara and the baby are fine then he is, if they aren't then you better hold on because there will be hell to pay." As he hands Thomas over to Bobby he tells him, "He wants you to take them back to the clubhouse and by all that is sacred keep these two safe."

Bobby looks at him, "Ain't that the truth. We're heading out if you need anything let me know I will see later you back at the clubhouse. Come on boys let's get you two back to the clubhouse, get a snack then go night-nite cuz Uncle Bobby sure could use some sleep himself." Bobby and a prospect head out of the hospital and to the clubhouse where they know the boys will be safe.

* * *

When Jax gets to the NICU he sees Dr. Spencer and he tells Jax, "The baby has had a fairly good day there haven't been any changes."

"Thanks, Jax smiles wanly. At least there isn't any bad news."

"How is Tara, Jax?"

"There hasn't been any change. She gets a new MRI in the morning and then we know if she can be moved out of ICU."

"Take care Jax we're all thinking about you. I will find you or have his bodyguard find you if there's any change."

"Thank you." Dr. Spencer goes back to work. Jax knows that there is no malice in the doctor's words and understands why the baby has a bodyguard. Then Jax huffed. _Not even a day old and he has to have a bodyguard because his grandmother tried to kill him, he shakes his head. _Jaxstill trying to wrap his head around this new reality.

He scrubs up with other parents that are just like him, those with a sick infant. He can't help but wonder, who the parent is, which one is their child and what's wrong with the baby? They know they know how he feels. They are the only other people that can feel his pain, and he can feel theirs; there is a camaraderie amongst them. Jax nods and smiles at them as backs on into the unit to see his son.

He stops by his son he strokes his tiny arm, it is so soft and warm, actually hot with the lights pointed directly at him. _They they better be keeping him warm he doesn't have any clothes on._ Jax feels a protective surge flow through him. He needs to protect this innocent child, his innocent child from the hard dirty path of Jax's own mother. His own _mother, _who ripped him from the peaceful protective cocoon where no one should have intruded. He gently strokes his baby's head marveling over his dark hair, the baby is a dark headed Abel that seems weird but here he is right in front of him. Jax is afraid to stroke his skin too much with his rough hands. His skin looks so thin and fragile almost, like it will tear. His baby's arms are so tiny they have to make his hospital bracelet an anklet.

Jax has noticed the baby's little hands; hands that can barely grasp his pinky finger all the way around can barely cover his own mouth. How they are so small compared to his face. Jax compares his own hand to his face and how big it is, it covers his whole face. This perplexes Jax, he can't help but wonder _how does that happen, how does your hand grow that much and the rest of your head doesn't? Why?_

Then he still doesn't understand why he can't remember if Abel had any of this peach fuzz on him. There is only 2 weeks difference in age. God it seems like that was so long ago. _The real question is why am I so hung up on it? Why with all the things I have to worry about am I so worried about his small hands in ratio to his face and some damn fuzzy all over his skin? Why that? There is so much that I have to worry about. I guess because these things don't really matter; they are just mundane things that aren't life threatening. Something I don't have to worry about going wrong. Something that isn't going to kill him. _

Able was so much smaller than this baby and he didn't seem so frail either he wasn't on a ventilator he was breathing on his own. This scares Jax. Jax thinks of the first time he saw his baby and he grabbed Jax's finger and looked at him so intensely, he would give anything to see him move around like that again. He understands why they have to keep him sedated while he's on the ventilator. Jax just doesn't like seeing him lying there so still.

Abel is only 3, so much that has happened in that short amount of time since he was born, where has the time gone? _He laughs to his self I've had 3 boys in 3 years. I never thought I would be that man, never thought this would be my life. I love my boys, they are my world and I wouldn't trade them for anything_.

Jax is telling the baby about his mother and brothers. "Abel is the best big brother there is, he will always watch out for you, always protect you. And Thomas he's is so funny and sweet he will always make you laugh, always keep you happy. You couldn't find better big brothers anywhere, you'll see. They love you so much and are waiting for you to get better so you can come home."

He is telling the baby about him and Tara growing up. "We became friends in kindergarten when I decided that I liked the quiet little girl with brown pigtails. Back then little boys did strange things to little girls when they liked them. I hit her, that's the only time I ever have, but I hit her and smiled my toothless grin then took off running and I was lucky that she wasn't afraid to handle her own shit, she didn't need anyone else to handle it for her. She caught up with me and tackled me man could she roll in the dirt." Jax couldn't help but to laugh when remembering back to yesteryears. "From then on out we were best friends for years, I taught your mother how to fight, how to throw a punch; never thought she was going to give me a black eye when I tried to kiss her when we were in the 5th grade. She thought I had lost his mind, nope just my heart. Then when we were twelve your uncle Thomas was real sick; we would do anything for him, anything he asked you to do we did it. He wanted us to kiss, I didn't think your mother was going to do it, but, because it was Thomas she agreed. I finally I got to taste her sweet lips, and I was a goner. I never realized how much I was in love until we were fourteen and I pulled another guy off of her when I saw him trying to kiss her after the junior high homecoming football game. We were out in the parking lot and I busted his nose wide open. Then she kissed me on my cheek for saving her and that was it, I knew it, I was madly in love. But it took a long time, years actually, and a lot of convincing before she would change our status from friends hanging out to boyfriend and girlfriend dating." Smiling he told him all the different things they did and how many times they had been arrested which was usually his fault. He sat there for over two hours talking to his son telling him all about their life.

After Jax left the NICU he went straight to the ICU to check on Tara. He approached a nurse leaving Tara's room and asked if there are any changes? She informed him that Tara is starting to move around a little and is still scheduled for another MRI in the morning. If the results are positive she will be moved out of ICU. After thanking the nurse and opening the door Jax sees Lyla sitting there reading a magazine and detects the smell of his and Tara's favorite lotion. Jax also notices Lyla has brushed Tara's hair and washed her face. He notices she has been changed out of her hospital gown and looking closer and can't help but laugh seeing what Tara is wearing.

"Tig said it would be okay if I stopped by." Lyla looks at Jax from the top of her magazine. Almost hiding her devilish smile she's giving him.

Jax looks at her questioningly, "You changed her clothes? Put our favorite lotion on her?" Jax smiles at her, a little amused but extremely grateful. "How did you get that on her?"

Lyla shrugged, "Well I had some help from the nurse she bathed her and then helped me change her. I went back and washed her face and put lotion on her. Then I combed her hair trying to get all the knots out before they got so bad she would have to have her hair all cut off."

"You pick out what she has on?" Lyla nodded at Jax as he looked back at his wife, she looked much better cleaned up and her hair brushed, she no longer looked like a witch. Of course he will never tell her how bad she looked but it will always be something that he will remember. Lyla dressed her in what he is sure is one of his reaper t-shits and probably a pair of boy shorts. Jax turns looking at Lyla sincerely, "Thank you she looks so much better."

Lyla smiles a real smile one that touches her ears, the first one in the last 24 hours. Suddenly her attitude changed, "I am worried about her Jax. I am so scared for her, hell I am scared for myself, and I'm scared for the kids."

"Yeah, I am too Lyla, I am too. I don't know how crazed Gemma is, how far over the edge of insanity she's fallen because she has definitely toppled over." Jax pauses, "How are you handling all of this Lyla? How is the store doing? Who has been helping? I know you've got to be stretched thin between the store and the Crow's Nest and you're helping with Tara and the boys along with your kids."

"Well so far so good, I have a couple of girls helping me right now. It's not too bad; I just pop in at Leather and Lace, count the money, check the inventory and make sure all the orders are being filled then leave. Then I head over to the Crow's Nest to see what needs to be done at the boutique. Kerrianne is working at the Nest so she is a big help, I don't know what I would do without her she has really stepped up Jax at the boutique and with the kids. The best part is she does it because she wants to, she wants to help. I check the stock at the boutique and make sure everything is running smoothly. Fi has her hands full being the interim head old lady in charge." Jax laughs at the thought. "There are things that Fi has to handle for SAMCRO and she is supervising Bobby and Phil with the kids. Viv is catering to all the visiting charters making sure they are looked after. She has a few sweetbutts helping her with the dorms." Lyla's posture gets sadder, "Even though Tara wasn't at the either store on a daily basis I forgot just how much she really does. I miss her."

"You have Cara Cara girls working at Leather & Lace?"

"Yeah I called in the forces and picked the ones that didn't totally gross Tara out," she said laughing.

"Lyla you are the only one that hasn't grossed her out."

"Jax I'm a woman and I know that Tara's biggest complaint was that you were sleeping with over half of them. That does something to a woman it breaks her confidence, even a strong confident woman like Tara. With your reputation she has a hard row to hoe and is still fighting off the competition."

"I don't know why, she has always been the one that I love and if she hadn't left for college then I wouldn't have slept with any of them and we would have been together still and she wouldn't feel like that."

"Do you really believe that Jax?"

"Yeah of course." Jax doesn't understand why Lyla would question that.

"From what I understand from Ope, you and Tara you had been fighting for months about the club and the crow eaters. You were being an arrogant cocky ass enjoying all the girls' attention. You can say what you want, you and Gemma can keep on blaming Tara, but if she would've stayed here and gone to school close by or not at all, you wouldn't have lasted 6 months. Then she'd be married to someone else now because she would've seen firsthand what you were becoming. For once be honest with yourself Jax. You were tired of Tara, and you wanted your freedom to fuck whoever you wanted but you were a selfish prick. You didn't want her. But you couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else, you didn't want anyone else touching her you just couldn't let her go, let her be happy."

Jax couldn't believe that sweet, gentle Lyla was breaking his balls. "You are wrong Lyla. I loved Tara dearly and I wanted to be with her. I still do, nothing has changed."

"Yeah Right if you had wanted her so bad then why didn't you go see her? She wasn't dead. You all act like she died or left the country when she was still in the state, just hours away. Like she ratted on the club or hurt the club in some way. You didn't want her Jax but you were too selfish to let her go find someone else. Like all the boys from school that started noticing her after you started paying attention to her. Ope said it was you who turned the light on and guys finally saw what had been hiding in the dark. You didn't want to give her up, but you were bored with her. You had all of those experienced crow eaters trying to get into your pants all the time and if you were so intent on not sleeping with them then why was Tara arrested 2 times for kicking their asses? If you didn't want them then you would have never let it go that far, wouldn't have flirted with them in the first place."

Jax is shocked as he stands there looking at Lyla; he can't figure out what's crawled up her ass and skewed her thinking. "I didn't want anyone else but Tara. The other girls didn't mean anything and we would have worked it out."

"Like you worked it out with Carrie?" Jax didn't know what was worse – talking about this with Lyla or talking about this with Lyla while his wife lay in a hospital bed next to them.

"What you are you talking about Lyla?"

"I know you had been seeing Carrie before you first started dating Tara in high school. I know that you continued seeing Carrie while you were dating Tara. That you would come crawling back to the clubhouse for Carrie to 'service you' after you had been with Tara.

"Lyla I was with Tara's every night when I was in town and if I wasn't at her house then she was with me at the club I never went back to the club after being with Tara. I don't know what you have heard but it is wrong." Lyla is looking at Jax like she's contemplating his words. Jax's mind is spinning. He's trying to figure out what the hell is going on. He has never slept with Carrie. Jax has a sudden thought in his head. "Is Carrie one of the girls helping you at the store?"

"Yeah she is. Why?"

"I was just wondering because she hasn't been around lately. She is one of the ones that hasn't been allowed in the new clubhouse. I didn't know she was even still in Charming."

"Yeah, she's still here in Charming. She tried her hand at some porn but from what I hear she couldn't make a career out of it." Jax is thinking _Yeah I could have saved her the trouble and told her that._ Then she tried setting up business at the Motel 6 on the way to Lodi and that wasn't lucrative either so she just decided to stay in Charming." _Yeah, I could've told her that too. You can't charge for something that you have been giving away for years._

"Is she a full time employee or is she just helping while this is happening to us?"

"She has been helping out for a couple of months. I call her in when I have a lot of mail orders and shipping to deal with. Things always get busy the same time every month, so I call her to help."

"Does she know that Tara owns that shop?"

"I don't think so. Why?"

"Nothing. I just wondered. I hadn't seen a lot of those old crow eaters and I just wondered how they bide their time now."

"Well I'm going to head home Jax if you need me then just call me."

"Ok Darlin'. What time do you have to be at work in the morning?"

"I have to go to school conferences and then to the Nest to check on inventory. I won't get to Leather & Lace until around 2 pm. I'm free in the morning so I'll be available if you need me."

"Sure thing. Be careful keep your eyes open, you never know what's going to happen."

"Okay bye."

Jax is wondering what in the fuck is going on. He knows one thing, he'll work going to Leather & Lace in his schedule as soon as he has the opportunity. Until then he needs to keep a close eye on Lyla until he can find out what the whores are up to. He has a sneaking suspicion what's going on and they aren't going to use him and Tara as their pawns. He highly doubts that they know that Tara and he owns the shop, well no one knows that he is part owner, he is a silent partner with Tara. He figures they all think that Lyla owns it and poor Lyla is so sweet and trusting she doesn't see what they're doing. If he didn't have a sick son and a comatose wife then he would be knocking down their doors now and it would not be for sexual favors and it never was; he and Tara both know that.

Jax bends and kisses Tara. He smells her lotion that Lyla put on her and it brings a smile to his eyes. He whispers in her ear, "Hey beautiful I love you, you know that? I went to see our boy and he is doing fine I can't wait until you wake up and can go see him, you are gonna love him just as much as I do." Jax sits on the edge of the bed next to his wife. He sat there holding her hand while telling Tara all about their youngest son, how beautiful he is and, that he looks like a dark haired Abel. Then he apologizes to her that none of the boys look like her. With one final soft, long kiss on her lips he whispers, "Nite love, sweet dreams." Jax pulls a chair up and puts his feet up and settles in to take a little nap. He is completely drained. He needs some sleep so he can keep going.


	7. Chapter 5

A/N: I need to thank McIlwain for constant support and guidance that is greatly appreciated and needed. I would be lost without her.

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This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.

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The evening nurse slides quietly into Tara's hospital room. She makes just enough noise to rouse him from his nap; the nurse knows Jax would prefer to be absent as she attends to Tara's personal needs. Jax becomes more alert as the nurse intrudes upon his dark haven. To add insult to injury, the nurse turns on the room light. Jax begins standing and stretching his limbs – the hard hospital chair produces nothing but stiff, sore muscles and an aching back. But still, he thinks, it's worth it if it allows him to be with Tara each night.

Jax takes his phone out of his cut and checks the time; 2:30 am, just great. Jax doesn't want to stick around and interrupt the nurse's routine so he so he exists into the hall to see what Tig is doing Tig spots Jax and relays to him, "I can stay with Tara if you want, Jax, if you need to be somewhere. I don't have any plans on going."

"I'm thinking about having church late this morning but it really depends on what's happening around here. I'll call in the Nomads so we can all be there. Other than that I am not planning on going out anywhere except to go see the baby."

Tig and Tara had become closer; well, she is no longer afraid of him and he doesn't think she's a stuck up snob anymore. How can Tig not respect her now? Since she came back to town she has always been there for the club. Not only removing bullets or stitching up a brother, but almost going to jail for the club as well. And how can Tara not be grateful to Tig? Tig was the one most worried about freeing her from Salazar. Tig had also served as her and the boys' bodyguard and knew he would give his life for her and her family.

As though reflecting, Tig tells Jax, "You know when Salazar kidnapped Tara and called for the ransom Salazar called for the ransom drop he put Tara on the phone. I knew that she was scared shitless but when I heard her voice I could tell that she was trying to be strong. Her voice never wavered she wasn't just doing it for me but showing Salazar that she wasn't weak that the VP of the Mother Charter Redwood Original's Old Lady wasn't going to beg. I was proud of her bur I was also was scared shitless about what you would do when you got back from Ireland."

"The first time I had ever been with Tara outside of the clubhouse was when Gemma called Tara from her father's house. At least it was bullets and not a bite on my ass this time. We were together for about three days. Tara was hurting so bad from losing Abel, then having to keep it from Gemma while Gemma was going on and on about how she didn't trust Abel with anyone but Tara. That ripped Tara's heart out, feeling guilty about what happened to him and the way that you were treating her. Tara needed someone to talk to someone to know that someone to talk to her and to know that someone had her back. She was dealing with things by herself and still helping Gemma pack up things from the house, helping get Nate settled in and saving Gemma's life when the caretaker tried to kill her. I know that you were pissed when you found out brother, that was a true threat brother - if Tara hadn't killed her she would have killed Gemma. We had to tie the caretaker up in the basement; Gemma had panicked when she found out that the caretaker was going to turn her in for the ransom but that was all on Gemma and me and that it was before Tara got there. Tara was actually helping the caretaker down in the basement somehow she got loose and knocked Tara out with an oxygen tank. I know I'm stepping over the line here but I just can't leave it unsaid; you treated Tara like shit she didn't deserve it and if you ever treated her like that again, president or not I will personally kick your ass."

Jax couldn't help but to feel proud of his wife with all she had done for the club but also how she has handled herself the exact opposite that he handled himself. "I understand and I hope that you would protect my old lady even if it is from her old man because I will never forget all the pain and heartache I caused her. It still hounds me to this day - I was a dick worse than a dick. And now this. All this misplaced anger and unnecessary violence has to stop." They both sit in silence for a while, both thinking it would be best to talk about lighter subjects and just shoot the shit.

Finally, Jax lets out a deep breath, then tells Tig, "The only thing Tara has done wrong is loving me. I thought that getting out of the illegal shit we would finally all be safe and look at us now. Tara and our son are fighting for their lives and it isn't even from a rival gang it's all because Gemma is jealous of her. She doesn't want to give up her position of being the Queen where Tara could care less about being the Queen she just wants to be by my side. Gemma thinks she is a member of the club she just can't let it go. I can't believe that Tara stuck it out one week back when we first started dating. Gemma put her through hell I am sure that I don't know half of the stuff she did, Tara wasn't a snitch she never was and still isn't."

Jax hears the sincerity in Tig's words. "Do you know how rare it is to have a woman that has loved you and only you since you were kids? Man, you need to cherish that love and carry it with you and never take it for granted or throw it away again. To have someone unconditionally love you? I wouldn't know what to do with that kind of love hell I don't know what to do with any kind of love."

With that said Tig got up and went down the hall towards the nurses' station. Jax couldn't believe what Tig said he has never heard him talk like that before but then again they have never been close, Tig was Clay's boy and Tig has always considered Jax a kid and never liked Jax's ideas or opinions they have only began to get along since Jax has become president.

Jax is heading down the quiet halls of St Thomas Hospital. His legs automatically lead him to the NICU. At four in the morning there isn't anyone around except hospital staff. That is what Jax likes about this time of night, he towards the NICU at 4 in the morning, he can slip in and see his baby son and there is hardly anyone in there to disturb his time with his baby. He laughs to himself wondering if Happy is going to surprise him with some deep shit too. Just as he turns the corner Happy is coming towards him and he knows this can't be good and sure enough he is telling him that the doctors have just finished a procedure on the baby. Jax takes off running to the NICU to find out what is going on.

Dr. Spencer meets him and Jax wonders why the doctor is here this late? Doctor Spencer sits Jax down and tells him the bad news. "Dr. Nameed and I had already discussed with you about John's lungs being under developed lungs, and his need for a ventilator. Unfortunately, the ventilator has blown a hole through the thin lining of his lungs. We are inserting a chest tube to let the air escape so his lungs can heal. We are going to have to monitor him closely to see if his lungs heal."

Dr. Spencer can see the pain written all over his face and knows all too well Jax's heart is breaking. Dr. Spencer knows Jax needs to be with Tara, at this moment, so he tells him, "Go on to Tara's and I will come and get you as soon as there is word about your son." Dr. Spencer has worked with Tara for three years he can't help but to admire the love that Jax and Tara share. Dr. Spencer is still saddened by the loss of the hospitals best pediatric surgeon. It was an honor working with Tara and her accident ended her career too soon. Dr. Spencer knows that Jax was the one to come up with the idea of the Women's Center and Clinic financing it himself making it a business venture for him and Tara together. Things had finally started looking up for the young couple and now. Hopefully they are able to fight against these odds as well.

Jax looks and feels defeated as he walks down the hall back to Tara's room. He doesn't want to tell her about the baby yet he is going to wait until he knows something. Jax silently enters Tara room just wanting to be close to his wife, needs to be able to feel her so he carefully slides her over just enough so he can lie next to her. He feeling the warmth of her body tenderly he snuggles up close to Tara's: the warmth of her body as he holds her close almost makes him whole. Bringing her hand to his lips he kisses the back of Tara's dainty little fingers one by one then brings her palm up to the side of his face. Closing his eyes as the warmth and softness of Tara's hand against his face stirs a familiar wakening within Jax's body. Jax thinks it almost feels normal, his wife by his side in his t-shirt smelling like heaven. He gives a silent thank you to Lyla and allows himself to smile.

They will take Tara down for her MRI in a few of hours he is praying to anyone or thing that will listen that his wife wakes up soon he is afraid that she might not get to see their son alive. Jax doesn't to say it out loud because he is afraid that it will come true; as each hour ticks by and there no good reports just bad ones, he becomes more scared that their baby won't live.

Jax lays there as he talks to Tara whispering in her ear feeling the warmth of his breathe as his lips and whiskers gently brushing against her ear until he drifts off to sleep.

An hour later there is a slight knock at the door and Tig comes to wake Jax and lets him know that Dr. Spencer is here to see him. Jax kisses Tara on her temple then he carefully slides out of bed. Jax doesn't want to take the chance of Tara hearing this conversation right now.

Sr. Spencer tells him that the baby's procedure went well and now the only thing they can do is wait and see what happens now. _Wait that is all he has been told for two days!_ Dr. Spencer tells him it will be just a little while before he can his son. The doctors need to observe him to see how his lungs are functioning. Jax goes back into Tara's room. He briefly considers calling the clubhouse but figures his brothers aren't up yet. Jax knows he needs to have church and decides to have it at his house. That way he can discuss business and spend time with Abel and Thomas. He feels guilty for leaving the hospital but he really needs to hug and kiss his boys he needs that contact with them just for little bit and then he will be back. It's still be a while before they take Tara down for her MRI so he begrudgingly decides that now would be a good time to look at the package undisturbed. He wants to see what Tara has left him, knowing that she wouldn't be present when he receives it. Wondering what was going through her mind as she prepared it, knowing she wouldn't be here to give it to him and that thought alone scares the shit out of him. Jaxx grabs a chair and uses the table to empty the contents out of the envelope. The first thing he finds when he opens it is a letter from Tara. He braces himself and starts reading it.

Dear Jax,

I am so sorry that you are receiving this package and I am not able to be there with you. Please understand I never wanted these letters to hurt you I never want anything to hurt you including the contents of this envelope. You will notice that there are some letters in here that you have seen and letters in here that you have you haven't. The letters in here that you haven't seen are ones that incriminate your mother in your father's death. She conveniently destroyed these letters so you wouldn't see them and only showed you the ones that incriminated Clay. Gemma didn't know I had made copies of all the letters. Gemma thought she was safe once she tore up the originals. I have already been drug through hell because of these letters. You will find some original documents that your mother never knew about; I hid them in the safety deposit box along with the accident report from your father's accident.

There is also a report from a private detective I hired to find the driver driving the truck that hit your father. You had already suspected that she had something to do with his death so I didn't feel that it was necessary to give these to you. Unlike her I never wanted to hurt you and would do anything to protect you. If you are receiving this package without me, I have been successful in that goal.

I didn't want to destroy your world completely with the knowledge that someone who is supposed to protect you and love would destroy the world around you to get what she wants. I love you Jax. I would do anything to protect you short of hurting our boys. Their lives have also been in danger due to these letters; this is another reason I never let anyone know about them, to protect myself and the boys. They have already tried to kill me and we know how that ended.

What you do with these letters is up to you, you are the only one that knows about them now. Margaret was the only one who knew that I left something for you and I trust that she didn't look in the package. She had seen the results of what the letters can bring to those who knew about them.

I want you to know how proud I am of the man you have become. Continue to take care of and love our boys as I know you will. Kiss my boys every night for me and tell them I love them from the moon and back, tell them that I am the brightest star in the sky because that is how much I love them.

Forever your love,

Tara

Jax is dismayed realizing that Tara wrote this note knowing that she was going to die which she feared would be a the hands of his family. He doesn't know how to feel about it, he is mad at himself for never fully listening to Tara and her worries and concerns over his mother. He never once listened to Tara's accusations about his family. He just always tried to smooth things over instead of really listening to her and putting any once of truth to what she was saying. In one way or the other Jax had always formed the opinion that his mother was right and Tara was always wrong and he loathed himself for that. Jax can see it now but never before thought he was his mother's puppet, she couldn't stop his love for Tara but she could always plant that seed of doubt, working on his own insecurities. The fear of trusting Tara wholeheartedly, that if Jax did Tara would hurt him again, that she wasn't strong enough for their world.

Jax sees what a lie that is- Tara is stronger that anyone including him could ever imagine and she has truly loved him without any reservations. When Jax thinks about it, it has been that way since day one. How could he have been so stupid? He never really let Tara back into his world when she returned. All Tara wanted to do was love him and be with him to help take his troubles away and yet he shut that part of himself off to her. That is why she left he kept pushing and pushing her away taking his conflicting feelings about the club and himself out on Tara making her the bad guy when she just wanted for him to let her in. How could he be so blind not to see this? How was he that fucking blind, because Tara was his world?

They come for Tara to take to get her MRI so he kisses her as they take her out. He sits back down and starts going through the rest of the letters feeling more nauseous with each reading. There it is in black and white Gemma knew, she knew what Clay was going to do and he would bet that it was her idea as ruthless as she is. She and Clay are the perfect dangerous match.

Jax sits back and breaths deeply while thinking to himself, _Why didn't Tara just tell me about the letters to begin with? If she had just come to me none of this would ever have happen and she would still be a surgeon and Piney would still be alive, maybe even Opie if she would have just trusted me and brought the letters to me._

_If she would have just trusted me._ _Well that is a hell of a statement why should she trust me? Through the years when something came up and she came to me about anything: my mother, a problem she was having or our trouble's our relationship troubles I would just pet her on the head like a puppy and send her on her way. Never listening to her, if I was honest with myself then I would say I never believed her or maybe it was just I never wanted to believe her. Looking back now no telling where we would be today if I had listened to her or believed her, I listened to her long enough for her to finish so I could get in her pants. I love Tara always have she wasn't just a gash it wasn't that I just wanted her for the sex. When I am inside her it is like we become one. That we are one being and you can only have that with that one being. I should know, I never had that before Tara and sure as hell didn't after she left. Why should she trust me when at the first sign of trouble I drop her like a hot potato and fuck someone and throw it in her face in front of everybody? Why would she trust me? I told her that everything would be alright that she wouldn't go to prison well we know how that went. I kept promising her that we would leave and start a new life and we didn't. I never sat down with her and_ _talked about it. Then everyone blamed her for leaving when I was the one that came to her with an engagement ring, promising her and our boys a safe way out. But I did want out and if we were still in the position that we were before we would be out. I don't blame her for not trusting me, how could I be mad about that? If I am going to be mad at someone it would have to be at myself._

_The loneliness that Tara must have felt when I wouldn't listen to her the frustration alone had to be unbearable. But she loves me always has and I trust she always will that's good because I will always love her. Having to live those 14 months without her was unbearable and it will never happen again. Tara had to live those 14 months with her only lifeline she knew was a murdering lying bitch. The conflict she must have felt well I know how she felt because I felt it too. What would have happened if Gemma never found that cover letter? Or has anyone really questioned why Maureen put those letters in my bag in the first place? Why would she give up something that is supposedly treasured what did she think was going to happen? Was this just a bitter jealousy towards Gemma? Or is it something else? Is this all for some other reason? _

_I knew that something was worrying her she and now I know she was afraid for her life all the time. She knew what Gemma was capable of more than anyone actually she was the only one that knew other than Clay, JT and Piney. But even they didn't know the whole truth only Tara did. Damn Tara... you could have gotten killed; fuck, you almost did. They tried to murder my wife. How could they do this to me? What did they want to do this to me? It wasn't about me at all it was about them, it's always about them. Tara knew the truth; it didn't matter who knew, they would have done the same thing to anyone who stood in their way. This wasn't about me, it was all about them._

Jax decides that he wants to talk to the private detective that Tara hired. He finds his number in the report and calls him. The detective's wife answers the phone and tells Jax her husband died four nights ago in a hit and run accident. _Well shit, what now?_

Jax just sits there stunned wondering what to do now, should he even do anything? What if there is something out there that can nail his mother? But the only concrete evidence out there would be the accident report and maybe something from the private detective but he is no use now. He decides to call Eli, Eli has already seen the other letters. Jax showed them to Eli when they had their discussions about Clay and how he should be 'handled.' A smile quick comes to his face. _That one is taken care of. It's one less to worry about. _There is nothing wrong with showing him these and the accident report along with the private investigators report. Maybe Eli could get some information from the PI's staff, maybe, just maybe, there might be some kind of lead to the truck driver. Maybe he talked to the detective before he was killed. Maybe just maybe somewhere there is something or someone that can shed some light on exactly what happened with his father. What is the reason, why did they want to get rid of John Teller? It wasn't because Clay wanted his wife. John didn't give a shit about Gemma. He had another family in a different country, was this all about the gun deal? If John wanted out why the hell didn't he just go away if he wanted out so bad, wanted his other family? If Jax hadn't seen the quagmire of his father's life in Ireland he would believe the 'I want your wife'explanation that Gemma claims is the reason my dad is dead.

But Jax saw it first hand, yeah both hands on his sister's tits, he found out the truth. Jax closes his eyes and shakes his head wondering how fucking stupid could he be? Why did he do that? Is he more like his dad the part he doesn't want to be? The part that skips out on his family, his responsibilities, the promises that he makes to love, honor and cherish someone is he just like his dad? Is John's death going to answer anything or bring up more skeletons? Tara talked to the PI so maybe there is something that he said to her that isn't in here? Jax can wait he is not bringing up these letters until after Tara is home and has recovered then and only then will they discuss them. What about Unser? Did he just cover up the accident or did he play a bigger role? Jax has the feeling that Unser was being squashed by Clay's thumb, he will definitely have to talk to him but he wants to tread lightly there it has been no secret that Unser has been in love with Gemma. That is how she controlled him, and Jax has no idea how far Unser will go to protect her. But Unser has really been there for Tara this past year or is that his guilty conscience, trying to make up for the past?

He has been told that it will take a couple of hours for Tara to get through the MRI and other tests that they have just decided that they need to do. That's when Jax decides needs to get out of the hospital and get some fresh air so he heads for the doors because the air around him now feels awful damn thick.

Jax leans his back against his bike while smoking a cigarette, a habit he had given up months ago with Tara's urging. Well... she insisted there was to be no cigarettes in the new house not even outside around the house, especially the pool. Tara was adamant about cigarette butts in water and there wasn't going to be any in her pool. Tara is so cute when she gets riled up, smoking does that to her. _ I guess if I was a doctor it would me too_. She said that he and his brothers could smoke at the house gate and only the gate. The guys weren't happy about that but no one was going to argue with Tara about cigarettes.

Jax stares at the window of the hospital. He knows that isn't Tara's room but it doesn't stop him from thinking like it is. Half of his family, half of his world is behind those stucco walls. He would do anything for them. He was going to walk away from the outlaw world the only life he knew and do it willingly, it was his idea. But the CIA stopped that. He told Tara to take the boys and leave but she didn't leave him, she believed in him, that he was going to change things and he finally did with the support of his wife.

It would be foolish to think if he had left then his family wouldn't be on the second and third floors of St Thomas Hospital. No they all could be. In fact there would be an ever stronger probability that his whole family could be behind some hospital walls. That Gemma would have been a bigger threat to his family if they had left. That doesn't sit well with Jax, it leaves a putrid taste in his mouth.

Jax figures this would be a good time to leave: Tara will be busy with her MRI and her other tests. He would love to see his boys, he needs to see his boys. He wants to feel them in his arms.

Jax decides that he will call Eli Roosevelt and show him all of the letters and reports. He calls Eli and asks him to meet him at his house in 30 minutes. Eli doesn't ask any questions as to why Jax wants to see him he just readily agrees to meet at Jax's.


	8. Pain

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_**Pain...**_

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_**Pain is never the same from one person to the next. You can physically hurt, you can hurt emotionally, but no matter what they say, you can never feel someone else's pain. The concept of empathy is a fiction. Pain is something you truly own yourself.**_

_**Pain is not contagious, you can't catch someone else's. People can't feel your pain, but they can cause it, they can inflict it upon you. They can even stop causing you pain, but they can't ever take back the damage.**_

_**Doctors give you medicines trying to stop both your physical and emotional torment. But the idea of an all-purpose pain reliever is a pipe dream.**_

_**Everyone feels pain at some point. It can be emotional or physical, but it is something that is a part of life. It should always be respected, because eventually it wraps around all of us.**_

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_**from the journal of Jax Teller**_


	9. Chapter 6- Part 1

A/N: I have to thank my beta Mcllwain for making time out of her busy schedule to be there for me.

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Thank you kiara8921's Heart of the Lioness for sending her Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter is in need of their help.

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This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.

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Jax calls Chibs and tells him, "Meet me at my house in two hours. We're going to have Church and I need you to bring the boys with you. Send the Nomads to the hospital to stay with Tara and the baby so Happy and Tig can come too. Get Lyla or Fiona to stay with Tara while I am gone, whoevers free. Lyla was there earlier and I don't know if she can come back but if Tara wakes up I don't want her to be alone."

Jax takes in a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh. "The baby is not doing well and Tara is having tests done so I can't be away for very long. This shit is taking away precious time from my family but the sooner we get this done the sooner I can get back. We need to step up the security around my family, I need to keep them safe, the thought of something else happening to them... I can't let that happen." Jax's voice turns bitter. "I can't let anyone else I love get hurt by the woman I once called mother."

Jax decides to check in on his son before he leaves. He just looks so pale now with and the tube sticking out of his chest and with most of his tiny body covered in white medical tape. He looks so helpless it just makes Jax sick and breaks his heart beyond any pain imaginable. Jax never felt this type of pain before seeing his youngest son like this. He never experienced pain that could cut you so deeply and hurt you so badly and not leave a physical scar. No, a physical scar Jax can live with but this type of scar will never heal. Sometimes he can barely look at his son; it's impossible to stand there, knowing his son is in pain all because Gemma, his very own mother. How can Tara ever forgive him? This has topped any shitty thing his mother has done to anyone. Jax's worse enemies wouldn't even consider touching his children nor he theirs.

What little bit of weight the baby had on him has melted away he just looks so _frail_. Jax is out of his head with worry; it kills him, knowing there is nothing he can do in this situation. He can't intimidate, fight or kill his way out of this and he feels helpless, a feeling he doesn't often. Each time Jax has to leave the baby he feels so guilty, not knowing if he will ever see that sweet precious face again, not knowing if his son will still be alive when he returns. But what worries him most, what he is the most remorseful for- other than his mother possibly killing his son-is that Gemma may have caused his wife to never see their son alive or possibly at all and that rips Jax's heart out.

Before leaving the unit Dr. Nameed catches Jax in the hallway. "How's Tara, Jax? My schedule's been packed and I haven't been able to step away. Any change in her condition?"

Jax shakes his head. "They're giving her an MRI and some other tests now."

Dr. Nameed gives Jax a small smile. "I know I don't have to inform your of the baby's condition. The nurses tell me you've barely left his incubator.

"Unfortunately I have to now. I have some business to take care of and it'll probably be for a little while. It anything happens, any change at all with the baby, call my cell." Jax nods his head in emphasis. "Any change, call me, and I'll return as soon as I can." Dr. Nameed nods his head in agreement, and with a hard pat on Jax's shoulder, the two men leave to their respective duties.

Heading home, Jax can barely concentrate on club business. All of his business demands are at war with his personal business. His number one priority is getting back to the hospital as soon as he can. Jax's made plans to spend some quality time at home with his boys-the half of his family that isn't unwillingly trapped behind the walls of St Thomas Hospital, before rushing back to St Thomas to spend time with the half that is. Not always knowing which half needs him the most. All Jax knows for sure is his two older boys are being taken care of and are safe and that is the most important thing to him. As long as they are safe then everything is fine. The ones that aren't safe and who are hanging on to life by a thread they are the ones that need him the most right now and he is going to be there for them.

As Jax walks through the door of their new home he can smell Tara all throughout the house. They have only lived in their new house for a month but in that short time she has made it into their home. Unpacked boxes are still littered throughout the house; the dents show that Tig and Juice have been using them for furniture. Jax doesn't care if they get unpacked or not. With all the things going on right now he knows that Tig and Juice will continue to have their seats for quite a while. The deafening silence surrounding Jax has him craving the noise of his boys running around playing. His two rambunctious boys underneath Tara's feet while she tries to make dinner. Usually when Jax walks through the doors his boys come running and squealing and jumping into his arms but his arms are empty today. But not for long: in about an hour he will see his little ones and he desperately needs to feel their little bodies in his arms jabbering all about the things that they have been doing at the clubhouse. Jax had gotten pretty good at tuning their voices out while smiling, but he knows he'll listen to every word they say this afternoon.

Jax sinks down in their couch resting his elbows on his knees, head buried in his hands. His shoulders start to shake as he allows the tears to escape from his eyes. Grief rips through his tired body. Thinking about the past two horrible days he can't believe that this is happening to him, to Tara, to their baby, to his family. This affects his whole precious family and his family is everything to him, his reason for living and now two of those reasons are critically ill. _SHIT_. Jax knows that he has to pull himself together before Eli gets here but if anyone can understand Jax's and unborn child, Rita Roosevelt during one of Clay's home invasion schemes.

Jax had called Eli Roosevelt to meet him at his house around noon. Eli Roosevelt pulls past the SONS guarding the drive down to the Teller's house. Eli knows that if his wife and baby were alive today and were in danger, he would do exactly what Jax is doing, anything to protect his family. Eli is met outside by a broken man, a man that has the weight of the world on his shoulders a feeling that Eli knows all too well. Eli knows the pain this man has in his heart and he understands what he is going through. He also knows how much Jax Teller loves his family. Eli pats Jax on the shoulder with the words, "I'm sorry man," and Eli truly is. He doesn't have to say anything else; Jax knows Eli has gone through this pain before. He doesn't have to explain his sorrow to this man. Eli really likes Jax, and Eli has come to understand Jax better over the last few months. Hell Eli never thought it would be true but he admires and likes this young man. Eli feels Jax hasn't recieved the respect he deserves. Not everyone could take an illegal enterprise and turn it legit in six months' time. But still, Eli can't help but wonder if this would've happened if Jax had transformed the club earlier. Eli didn't consider himself to be especially superstitious but he did believe in karma. Still, if anyone could handle this situation, it would be Jax. Jax Teller is a one of a kind man and Eli is proud to call him a friend. But Eli also knows that Jax would have never gotten where he is without the love and support of Tara. Their mutual love, respect and understanding are the foundation for the new SAMCRO and their young family. Eli sees before him a conflicted man, a man that is dealing with the unfathomable: his mother trying to kill both his wife and unborn child. Eli knows these attempted murders can't go unpunished, and doubts that Jax will try to stop him.

Jax starts by showing Eli the letters Margaret gave him then he shows him the letters, documents and reports that Tara had hidden in their safety deposit box "I know that I've shown you some of these letters before, the others are originals and copies Margaret Murphy had. Evidently Tara had left them in her care when she knew Gemma was searching for the originals. Margaret was left with instructions to give these to me in case something happened to Tara. It seems that Tara was right to be fearful for her and the boy's lives if anyone knew about these letters. Margaret felt that now would be the best time to go ahead and give them to me. She thought that there might be something useful in them. We've seen most of the letter that are copies. Gemma burnt and destroyed the ones that incriminate her in my father's death. She burnt the originals trying to save face and not realizing that Tara had made copies of all of them and left them with Margaret. Then the original letters here I assume are the ones that Gemma never knew existed or else they would have disappeared along with the others she burnt. I was told that Tara had them in a safety deposit box but was informed by the bank that Gemma tried to get into our safety deposit boxes. Tara knew they weren't safe anymore and the only thing she knew to do was to leave them with Margaret. Keeping them safe with the other ones Margaret already had. From what Margaret tells me the reason Tara didn't say anything was to protect me. Not only was I betrayed by my stepfather but also by my mother. It might've been too much for me to handle at the time and Tara thought she would lose me. I can't say now what or how I feel about it I think I am still in shock. I don't know what to think other than my whole life I have been lied to. Every important turn in my life was influenced by my mother and Clay. I was robbed of my father, I was robbed of Tara for 10 years because of my mother's lies and now I am afraid it is going to cost me a son. There has only been one true thing in my life and I almost lost her for good this time. I can't lose her again, I need her and our boys need her. You also notice where Unser changed the accident report I don't know how deep he is in this he was trying to help Gemma he has been in love with her since she was a kid and he would do anything for her. I don't know how far Unser would go."

Jax mentions the security tapes that Eli has, "Juice told me you have enough evidence on the security tapes from the Women's Center to bring charges against my mother. Is there any way they can be held off for 2 more days until I can get Tara home from the hospital and where I can keep her safe and maybe not endanger any more lives than we have to? I don't like the idea of Gemma running around and us not knowing where she is."

Eli has already seen the security tapes that's when he tells Jax, "Gemma has now been charged with two counts of attempted murder I will try keeping it quiet for a couple of days. I will contact whoever is investigating the hit and run of the private detective and see if that takes us anywhere. See if there is someone in his office that might have been working with him or anyone else that would have known anything about the case. We won't mention anything to Unser, like you I don't know how involved he is in this. I know he thinks an awful lot of Tara, with trying to protect her with the whole Clay deal but we don't know how long his heart has been in the right place." Eli stands to say good-bye so he can get back to the station. "Good luck Jax. Let me know if there is something I can do." Eli bids his farewell and heads back to the station to see what he can find out about this private detective.

Jax's brothers arrive bringing his sons shortly after Eli leaves. Jax calls Church while the prospect takes the boys to their room to play. Jax tells the guys about the new letters and documents, the dead private detective and the whole mess that Clay and Gemma created. He tells them, "We need to go on lockdown at night keeping your families safe, I don't want what happened to my family happen to yours. The kids can still go to school, but security has to be set up. The women need someone with them and not some wet behind the ear prospect; the same with the kids. We know how crazed Gemma is right now and I don't know who else she might act out against. I've gotten reports that Gemma has been seen with Nero, so now we have to assume that they're on the run together. We need to add more security until Gemma and Nero are stopped. None of us should rest easy as long as my mother is out there alive." Jax gives a long pause "Things aren't looking too good for my youngest. His health just keeps getting more complicated. I need to make plans if something were to happen to the baby. My family doesn't need a big wake like my dad's or even Half-Sack's. I just want something small, and then when Tara is up and about we can cremate him and give him a SAMCRO farewell. Tara doesn't need a lot of outside charters roaming about expecting to party with crow eaters and disrespecting her home. And they sure as hell won't be disrespecting my son. I need Bobby to check on bringing in some more old ladies to help Vivica-she's been shouldering the entire load until now. I don't see any of this ending anytime soon and until Gemma is caught SAMCRO needs to be on lockdown." After discussing a few other things Jax bangs the gavel he wants to spend some time with his boys. Tig and Happy head back to the hospital to add more security on Tara and the baby.

Jax spends over an hour down on the floor wrestling and playing trucks, cars, motorcycles his old Transformers and He-Man action figures even with the boy's G.I. Joe collection. Tara would call them the boy's dolls. Jax is reminded of the "arguments" he and Abel would have with Tara over the term 'doll.' Abel and Jax were adamant that boys don't play with 'dolls.' Tara would insist that G.I. Joe was Barbie's military husband. Abel and Jax would protest until Abel was on the verge of tears. Then on one particular day Jax remembers... Thomas handing Tara his G.I. Joe then running from the room disappearing to god knows where. Only to return with one of Ellie's old Barbie dolls in his little hand. Thomas stopped and stood next to his mother while his father and brother stared at him as though he was a traitor. The thought that his son would play with a Barbie doll mortified Jax. He was so shocked he couldn't speak. Jax looked up seeing his wife smiling down on him, "He's just like you Jax."

Jax felt as though his wife's a traitor also, "No, no I... I never in my life played with Barbies or any dolls for that matter." _How could she think that I, Jax Teller SAMCRO playboy ever played with dolls? If my brothers thought I played with Barbies as a kid I would never hear the end of it. Tara was there by my side, one of my best friends growing up. Hell, she didn't play with dolls why would I?_ Jax looked back at Tara shaking his head Jax turned to see Abel looking back at him with the same traitorous look Jax had given Tara. Abel was staring at Jax with his little mouth open like he was going to say something but was too godsmacked to speak. Jax looked at Abel shaking his head. "I didn't play with dolls."

At the sound of Tara's laugh Jax and Abel both turned to look at her. It was then Jax noticed Thomas was in his own little world not paying any attention to them he just kept on playing with his _doll, no correction Ellie's doll._ "He's just like you Jax. Like father like son." Jax looked at Tara questionably _wishing the hell she'd shut up_. Then Jax looked back at his youngest son and for the first time Jax paid attention to what Thomas was doing. A smile blossomed on Jax's face, a smile that was so big it almost fell off.

Jax looked at Tara nodding and smiling, "Yeah he is just like his old man." While looking back at Thomas who was enthralled with the now stripped naked doll in his little hands as he admirably traced the outline of her body with his small finger with a look on his face that Jax was sure he himself has had while admiring a woman's physique. Thomas looked up at the quietness in the room with everyone staring at him. Looking back at them he smiled real big then turned his attention back to the doll. Thomas wasn't bothered by them, he didn't have time to mess with them he was busy.

Tara broke through Jax's prideful moment. "Thomas' been 'admiring' the Barbie dolls ever since he was able to walk and go where Ellie's dolls where on his own he would bring one back to me with half her clothes off. "He's definitely your son Jax," Tara said with a smirk.

Jax grabbed Thomas in his arms bringing him to his chest kissing him on his head before hugging him. Thomas smiled at Jax and held up his naked Barbie doll for Jax to see. "I see that Buddy and your mama's right you are just like your old man, god help us all." Jax set Thomas down then turned to look at Abel. Abel Teller sat there watching his family with confusion written all over his face _they've all gone crazy_. Jax couldn't help but laugh at Abel, "I promise you will understand one day son." Abel doesn't believe Jax _he's crazy_.

Hearing Tara clear her throat Jax looked up at Thomas starting to undress Barbie's military husband. Jax grabbed Thomas, "What do you say boys, let's go outside and play?" Both boys squealed with excitement as Jax took the _male doll_ out of Thomas' hands placing it in Tara's with a _we're fucked_ look on Jax's face. Jax thought as he took his boys outside knowing that they are indeed just like their father.

Jax is brought back to the present remembering the relief he felt when he realized Thomas was actually admiring the Barbie doll instead of playing with her, and that makes Jax sick. Jax admitted to himself; he had only been fearful of what his brothers would think about Jax himself, instead of Jax caring about his son. Jax knows that he will love Thomas no matter if he wants to play with dolls or admire them just as long as Thomas is happy and healthy, that's all Jax wants for his boys. After everything Jax and his family has been through the last couple of days, hell the last couple of months, all he wants is what's best for his family and that is for them to be happy and themselves. Jax's boys can be whatever they want to be and whoever they want to be just as long as they are happy and aren't hurting themselves. Jax's not going to interfere in their lives, not like his mother did his. Luckily Thomas had no desire to play with Barbie today and was satisfied with the 'male dolls' and wrestling with his brother and his daddy.

Being with his boys is exactly what Jax needs rough housing and playing with them while stealing hugs and kisses and tickling them to hear their laughs and giggles. After wearing them and himself out Jax lies Abel and Thomas down on his and Tara's bed so he can take a shower and change into clean clothes while the boys nap. After his shower Jax actually is able to get a little nap himself and feels like he can get through another day when he wakes up. Jax hates that he has to leave Abel and Thomas at the clubhouse but he has to get back to the hospital, Margaret called and told Jax that Tara has been moved out of ICU and into her own room after Tara's test results were cleared. Margaret tells Jax that there has been no change in the baby's condition as far as she knows.

On Jax's way back to the hospital he drops the boys off at the clubhouse and checks on the nightly lock down, making sure that everything it is taken care of. Jax scans over his mail taking care of some odd and ends that need to be done making sure there is nothing that requires his immediate attention. After taking care of what needs to be attended to in his office Jax goes in search of Juice.


	10. Chapter 6 - part 2

A/N: As always thank you to my beta McIlwain for her constant input and support.

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Thank you kiara8921's Heart of the Lioness for sending her Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter is in need of their help.

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This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.

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Just as Jax is walking out of SAMCRO's intelligence room he, is interrupted by a call from Fiona. "Jax there has been a change in the baby's condition and it doesn't look good."

"Tell them I'm on my way now. How about Tara? Is there any change with her condition?"

"They've officially removed her from ICU. She is fidgeting more and starting to mumble a little, not words, just sounds."

Rushing out of the clubhouse and on to his bike, Jax pushes his Dyna hard and fast while hurrying through streets of Charming trying. The half of his family that's left behind at St. Thomas is his only concern as he backs into the parking lot space. Jax tries not to panic as he races through the hospital's sliding doors and makes his way up to the NICU. Jax scrubs his arms and hands in annoyance stops to scrub his arms and hands and quickly throws on a pair of scrubs before slipping in to see his baby boy. Jax has to check, with his own eyes he has to see for himself how his infant son is doing. While waiting to speak with Dr. Spencer, Jax stands beside his son, talking to him holding the baby's tiny hand, all the while stroking the baby's warm soft head. Jax talks to his son telling him how much he is loved. Its thirty minutes before the nurse comes to get Jax and directs him to Dr. Spencer's office.

Jax feels the mood change as he steps through Dr. Spencer's doorway, and Jax has a bad feeling, a really bad feeling, that this is about to get ugly. Dr. Spencer offers Jax a seat as he begins to speak. "I'm not going to beat around the bush here Jax; you've been through too much for this to be drawn out any longer. I need to be frank – the baby has started showing signs of the beginning of renal failure. We are giving him some medication to see if we can get his kidneys to produce more urine if not then this will become fatal. I need to be forthright here, Jax - the chances of his medication working are slim. He is tough little guy, he's been through a lot, but his little body is being bombarded and he can't fight every battle. I am afraid this is the beginning of the end."

Jax doesn't have the energy to respond right away; it's taking all of his strength to not take his chair and throw it through the wall. Jax has never been in this situation before so he isn't real sure what he's supposed to say or do. Finally Jax finds his voice. "What will happen to him? I mean, what will he go through? Will this hurt him?"

Being all too familiar with this situation Dr. Spencer takes control. "The baby is heavily sedated and he won't feel a thing, he will not feel any different than he is feeling now. With renal failure, his body is being poisoned by its own fluids, which cause other organs to shut down, and because of all his other health factors, the baby's brain will hemorrhage and he will eventually congestive heart failure." Dr. Spencer allows his professional wall to slip a tiny bit as he thinks of Tara. Barring a miracle, the baby has an additional 24 hours at most."

_Stop. Stop. Stop._ Jax's head is screaming as he threads his hands through his hair to try to stop his mental strain. Jax swears the room is spinning as he bends over to try to maintain composure Dr. Spencer lays a reassuring hand on Jax's shoulder and says nothing. There is nothing to say. Because of his job, he's been in this unfortunate situation too many times. But that doesn't mean Dr. Spencer is unaffected by the death of one of his patients, especially if the child belongs to a colleague and friend. "We are still doing everything we can to save your son's life. We won't stop trying under any circumstances."

This makes the second time Jax has walked out of Dr. Spencer's office feeling like it his world is falling off its axis, like the world has stopped. Jax knows he has to get to Tara so he can see her, feel her, and make sure she's still here. With the thought of seeing Tara on his mind Jax makes is way down the brightly lit halls of St Thomas, his thoughts focusing on seeing his wife. Jax has walked theses halls many times, either looking for Tara and finding Tara or walking through the halls with her. Today Jax will find Tara in room 212, the room she was moved to earlier today. Before opening the door Jax takes a deep breath as he tries to gather his thoughts. _I know when she wakes up she will have a million questions about what has happened to her in the past two days and I don't know if I can answer them._ Breathing deep Jax grabs the handle and opens the door to Tara's room and is hit in the face with balloons and flowers. It looks like hundreds of them everywhere it looks like a goddamn 1-800-FLOWERS commercial. "What the Fuck?"

"They're flowers Jax," Fiona said flatly. He can barely see her though the bush of daisies and roses. "A lot of fucking flowers."

"No shit Fi." Jax is bewildered; can't figure how they got this many flowers in here. "Where did they all come from?" Jax doesn't know if he has ever _seen_ this many flowers and why were they all in here? "Is Tara even in here?"

Fiona laughs at him, "Yes she is. Just follow the Sons of Anarchy wreath, turn right at the peace lily, and duck through the mass of balloons. You'll find her camped back here and watch out for bees."

"This shit has got to go. Where did it all come from?" Jax still doesn't know what to think; he's in shock with, all the bright yellow, purple, red, orange and blue. "I want them gone out of here."

"We have gotten flowers from every charter of the Sons of Anarchy; every President, old lady and VP of the charters has sent flowers. We have flowers for days. We've scattered them throughout the clubhouse and all the different businesses. I don't know what happened here, the delivery guys must have found out Tara was moved to a room so they delivered them here today. I tried to ring the florist they were too busy filling more orders to talk. I already called Margaret to have these distributed throughout the hospital; flowers to the elderly and the balloons to the children's ward. The bigger ones are scattered throughout the lobby."

Jax's burner phone starts ringing, "Find someone Fi, I don't care who, and get this shit out of here. If Tara wakes up now she'll think she died and ended up in the goddamn Garden of Eden. Find a prospect or somebody and get these out of here. This is fucking ridiculous." Taking the call out in the hall Jax answers, "Yeah." Jax can hear noise from the other end of the phone, a lot of people mumbling.

The ringing phone at the clubhouse is answered by a prospect. "It's someone wanting to speak to Jax," The prospect tells Chibs. "I told him he wasn't around so he wants to talk to you.

Chibs grabs the phone. "Aye."

"Chibs, man, it's Skeeter. I am down at the cemetery and Gemma is walking around out here looking over the graves. She's putting flowers out everywhere. A ton of flowers from what I see. I think at her boy's grave, it looks like at Ope's and Piney's, too, but I can't tell who else. And now Gemma's just roaming around reading each marker with flowers in her hands."

"Is she alone?"

"No, there's a tall dark-haired man with her and a smaller woman. I've never seen either one of them before. The man's following Gemma around with more flowers."

Chibs' next question is tense. "Can you tell what the other woman looks like Skeeter?"

"No. she's stayed in the shade for the most part. She's never moved far from the vehicle and she's sitting in it now"

"Keep an eye on them Skeeter Don't confront them; I'm sending someone over there immediately."

"Okay I'll try, I'm doing a burial right now and they're across on the other side but I'll try to do my best."

"The guys are on the way." Chibs hung up and immediately yelled for Quinn and Phil. "Get to the cemetery now, Gemma is there looking around with flowers. Skeeter called and said there's a man with her. I assume it's Nero but there seems to be another woman with them that Skeeter can't see very well and he doesn't recognize her. Take some Nomads and whoever else you can just make sure you bring Gemma back with you. I don't care how, just get her." Before Chibs can take another breath Quinn and Phil have already run out of the clubhouse followed by any members that heard Chibs and want in on the action. They make a quick search and seizure plan before they climb on their bikes and speed away.

Chibs makes a call and when he hears the familiar voice on the other end of the phone he speaks. "Jackie Boy I have some news. Skeeter called he's spotted Gemma in the cemetery walking around, and from the description that Skeeter gave me of a man walking around with her it sounds like Nero. He said that she is walking around putting flowers on graves and reading all the markers. I sent Quinn and Phil, they took an army with them."

Jax yells into his burner. "Shit. "Did he say what markers?"

"Yeah, he said that he could tell one was Tommy's and thought maybe Ope's and Piney's and four more but he didn't know whose. Now she's walking around searching the rest of the cemetery reading all the markers with flowers in her arms and the man is following her with his arms full too. There's a woman with them. Sheeter said that he never got a good look at her. She stayed mainly at the vehicle."

Jax yells and curses in the quiet hallways, "Goddamn it! I need Juice here _now._ I need him to check for bugs. Tara has gotten a ton of flowers today that no one really knows where they came from. Fi thought they were from the charters. That's what they looked like too."

Now it's Chibs turn to yell, "Shit. We had flowers delivered today too and they weren't from Tara's shop. They were delivered in a plain black van, no lettering."

"Start sweeping the clubhouse. Did they come in?"

"No they left them at the picnic tables while a couple of the guys were out there sitting around smoking and talking. Jesus, Mary and Joesph."

Jax is alarmed by the tone in Chibs' voice. "What?"

"The boys... Abel and Thomas were out there at the time. They were sitting out there finger painting with Phil and Bobby." Jax is near panicking.

Jax yells in the phone. "Mother Fucker. She knows about Tara and the baby. Lock her down. No one that isn't a son or our families get in. Keep everyone else out, no one else gets in girlfriend, sweetbutt I don't care who the fuck they are they don't get in. Do it NOW."

"Got it, Jackie, I'm sending Juice now. Anything else?"

Jax is screaming in the phone. "Get my BOYS and put them in my apartment and keep them SAFE! No one gets to them but SAMCRO."

"I will Jackie, I will. I'll let you know when I hear from Quinn and if you find anything in your sweep let me know we are sweeping here now. Every inch of this place is getting swept but there are so many charters here, too many people have been in and out here at the clubhouse. We are locking her down searching SONS too, Gemma has some influence and she might have gotten help along the way. I never considered it could be one of our own." Chibs is looking around at the different charters there looking at each one with a suspicious eye. Now everyone is suspected of being a rat.

"Call around to Lodi and other towns and see if you can find out where these flowers came from. I want the security doubled here at the hospital. If I find out that someone has been giving her information and damaging my family in any way I'll kill them with my bare hands. I'm calling Tig to get back to the hospital and stay in Tara's room. I need someone that we trust by her door." Jax wants, needs to know where those flowers came from they are a link to his mother and he has to find her and get rid of her so his family can be safe. He also needs find out who this other woman is that's with her and Nero. He doesn't have any idea who she might be and he doesn't like that.

"I know we can trust Fresno so I will send Vin and Leonard to help cover at the hospital. I will get Chris to help here at the clubhouse trying to track down the bloody rat." Chibs was pacing back and for.

"Okay, that sounds fine Chibs, let me know of ANY change."

"Okay, Jackie. I'll get back to you when we find out something."

Jax hits speed dial when he hangs up from Chibs. "Tig I need you back NOW. Gemma's been spotted in Charming and we're doubling security here and locking down the clubhouse."

"It will be 30 minutes before I can get back there but I am on my way."

When Jax snaps his burner shut he's so mad he's almost hyperventilating. He stands there in the empty hallway with no one around trying to catch his breath, trying to calm the fuck down. He drops his head back, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose trying to fight off an impending headache. Jax is so tense he can't move. Gradually he tries to collect himself before walking back in Tara's room. He opens her door and motions for Fi to come out in the hall. When Fiona steps out of the room Jax tells her, "Gemma has been spotted at the cemetery putting put flowers out, tons of them."

"Shit Jax. Do you think? It's the same ones?"

"Yeah I'm afraid so. It has to be. Don't say anything but I'm getting the prospects to get these flowers out of here now. Juice is on his way to check them for bugs and Tara's entire room as well." Jax grabs two prospects that are walking the halls of St Thomas checking things. "Get those flowers out. Don't say a word. Take them down to that room at the end of the hall. Stand at the door and don't let anyone but Juice or myself in. Don't say a word, they could be bugged and if you notice anything then tell Juice. Got that?" The prospects nod and start carrying flowers out of Tara's hospital room and towards the vacant one that Jax pointed out. The prospects handle the flowers as quietly and gingerly as they can, knowing the flowers could be bugged

Jax turns to Fiona, "Do you remember who delivered them? What'd they look like? Anything?"

Fiona is still in shock and trys to sort out the delivery. "There were three deliveries but not at the same time, there was thirty minutes or more between deliveries. They didn't have any distinguishing marks or anything stating where they worked. I noticed that right away when I thought they were delivering for the shop wondering why they didn't have their delivery shirts on. I thought with all the flower orders coming in they hired some part time people. Jax, they could have killed us. We were the only ones here"

"I know Fi that's why we have to find out who they are. What did they look like? Think Fi, it's important. Is there anything else? Anything?"

"They were Mexican. But not outlaw, they were dressed nice spoke politely, and didn't have an accent. I noticed that right away."

Jax began breathing deeply, trying to keep his emotions in check but finding it nearly impossible at the moment. "Okay thanks Fi. When I get finished here go on back to the clubhouse and make sure you take one of the prospects with you. If you see those guys again tell Chibs."

"Okay Jax I will. I'll stay with Tara until you get this taken care and if there is anything I remember I will call you." Fi kissed Jax's cheek then headed back into Tara's room.

Within ten minutes Juice arrives at the hospital carrying heavy duty surveillance equipment. Tara's room is the first thing they check and they find two bugs in there. When Juice nods to Jax, Jax turns pale, scrubbing his hands over his face then running them through his hair, and then standing in the middle of the room just holding his head. Jax's headache is getting worse by the minute. After the two bugs are removed Juice goes down to check the flowers to see if there are bugs there. With what they just found they're pretty sure the flowers have bugs also. Two more bugs are found in the flowers. Juice proceeds to sweep through the entire hospital. They are looking through every inch hospital leaving no stone unturned. The noise from Juice's equipment indicates there are more bugs hidden around the hospital.

Jax waits outside of Tara's door out in the hallway to talk to Tig when he shows. Trying to keep what little bit of patience he has left, Jax starts pacing. He has to do something so he keeps his feet busy walking back and forth, back and forth. That's how Tig finds him, pacing back and forth in front of Tara's door, three steps up, three steps back. Tig is wary of interrupting Jax but he has to stop him – Jax is making him nervous and dizzy. Jax stops when Tig touches his arm slightly. "There were bugs Tig, we found two them directly in Tara's room another two in the flowers that were delivered this morning."

"Shit Jax, this ain't good. We have a rat. She knows Tara is alive."

"Yeah I don't know now if she knows the baby is alive; she was looking for a grave. So whoever is supplying her with information isn't as much on the inside as we thought. But I have no idea where to start looking. Now everyone that isn't SAMCRO is suspect. I think we can trust Fresno. As much as we go back and forth with each other it wouldn't be in their best interest to hurt the mother charter."

"I wouldn't think Fresno would either. Unless someone is looking to take over their charter and trying to take both of us out. You're right - whoever is supplying Gemma with information isn't in the know. There are only a select few that know we are guarding Tara and the baby. The others just know to guard the clubhouse, our families and the hospital entrances, that's it."

Jax's mind drifts back to what was happening before this whole mess with the bugs started. He has a terminally ill son, so fuck the bugs right now . "I need to spend some private time with Tara. When I'm through I need for you to stay in there with her and don't leave. There will be someone else at the door either, Vin or Leonard. I'm not taking any more chances. When they finish with those flowers and balloons distribute them throughout the hospital amongst the elderly patients, take the balloons up to pediatrics with some of the small flowers. No use to letting them die and no one getting to enjoy them. No telling what this cost, and that's what worries me. Gemma doesn't have this type of money, I don't know about Nero and what he has done with the Diosa money." Jax didn't mention the baby to Tig. It just seemed too private to release at the moment. Right now he just wants to see Tara to make sure she's alright.

Jax is finally able to walk into Tara's room without something else exploding, and Fiona walks out both to give Jax some privacy and get back to the clubhouse as they lockdown. Before leaving she has to filll Jax in on Tara's condition. "Tara is becoming more and more restless and is starting to make sounds. But the sounds are like she's fearful. The doctor thinks that she is reliving the attack and if Tara keeps getting upset then they will have to give her something to calm her down. If they sedate her, it could cause her not to wake up as soon as she would without it. They are worried what it will do to her mentally if she wakes up this afraid or being afraid like this until she wakes up. Dr. Johnson told me to make Tara feel relaxed and to do whatever we could do to get her to relax. We need to calm her down and then Tara won't' need to be sedated."

It wasn't that Jax minded that Tara be sedated and especially for the reasons to keep her mental health intact because she has been through enough as it is. But he needs her to wake up, and wake up now if she is going to be able to see their son alive. The doctors said no more than two days would she be out, well this is day two and she isn't awake yet. Sighing and kneeling at Tara's bedside, Jax takes her hand in his. Bringing it up to his lips, he kisses the palm of Tara's hand and then lays it gently his against his cheek. Just the contact of Tara's hand to his face helps ease some of his headache.

Jax sees Tara's growing restlessness and mumbling but Jax can't tell what she is saying. "Oh God, Tara please I need for you to wake up. I'm trying to keep it together here but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I need you babe I can't do this alone I need you to wake up Tara. We need to name our son, he deserves a name Tara. He's not doing well and he needs a name. I can't let him leave us without naming him. I've been waiting for you but it's time now for him to have one. I don't want to name him without you babe I can't take away that from you, you've lost so much already. I can't do that but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I am sorry Tara, I am so sorry." Jax lays his head down on Tara's hand and Jax continues kneeling by Tara's bed holding her hand. Jax doesn't know how long he stays by her bed.

Walking over to the drawer where he put Tara's favorite lotion Jax gets it and warms it up in his hands before he starts rubbing in on Tara's body. He is trying to calm her down, to keep her peaceful enough so she doesn't have to be sedated. Jax knows if that were to happen then she wouldn't see their son alive. Jax starts with Tara's arms rubbing the lotion carefully up and down her arms trying to get her to relax, and maybe Tara can tell it is Jax that's touching her. Hopeful Tara would know his touch, would know it anywhere because he knows hers, has never forgotten it not even after all those lonely years without it. Jax would still know Tara's touch anywhere. Lost in thought Jax slowly notices he has made his way down to Tara's legs and she is starting to calm down. In fact, Tara almost has a smile on her face. Caressing Tara's legs has brought yet another unexpected situation for Jax - he has a raging hard-on from touching her. _Great now is a helluva time for this to happen_. Jax tries to contain himself but it's hard to do when he's rubbing his wife's legs to calm her down. The irony isn't lost on Jax: calming his wife down while revving his own self up.

Jax goes to lie down in the bed next to Tara, trying to hold her as close to him as he can without hurting her. Just the feel of her in Jax arms calms him down and his headache is slowly fading. Jax is trying to enjoy the peace and quiet that surrounds them, trying to keep his mind off all the things that are happening outside of these walls. For now he can relax, even if it is a facade. Jax thinks he will just lie here for a few minutes.

That's what he thought but it ended up being about an hour. When Jax first opens in eyes he feels relaxed, and he looks over at Tara to calm her down. Jax thought Tara looked like she had a smile on her face but he can't really be sure. At the very least she didn't look like she was in pain and he would gladly accept that. Then it all comes flooding back to Jax: the baby, the bugs, Gemma. Kissing the side of Tara's head Jax tells her, "I love you, babe." That's all he can say. What else could he say? Jax is starting to feel hollow, like there is nothing inside of him. Jax slowly and carefully gets out of bed, trying not to jostle or hurt Tara any more than he has to. If it weren't for Tara, Jax would have ripped the covers back and jumped out of the bed immediately.

Hurriedly Jax leaves the room and finds Tig and Vin standing, or rather sitting, guard by the door. Looking at Tig Jax tells him, "I'm going to stay with the baby. Stay in there with her Tig, don't let anyone or anything in there. Don't let anyone touch her: the nurses, doctors, I don't give a shit what they say. If they don't like it they see me about it when I get back. But they don't touch her. Until I get back no one else comes through that door." Both Tig and Vin understand and acknowledge the order their president gives them. No one will get by them to see Tara.

It had been a long afternoon and Tig didn't get a chance to lie down before Jax called him back to the hospital. Tig gets as comfortable as he can and leans his chair back against the wall propping his feet up on the railing of Tara's hospital bed. Tig finds the remote and starts flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch and finally decides on watching the Jerry Springer show. After a while Tig starts to think, SAMCRO's real life shit is better than this. Perfect episode: "My mom hates my wife and tried to kill her."Slowly the beeps of Tara's monitoring equipment start playing a melody in Tig's head, and he listens to it quietly, over and over again until, it lulls him to sleep.

Slowly Tara tries to open her eyes towards the white light but it's too bright she can't do it so she closes her eyes and falls back to sleep. A little over an hour later Tara tries to wake again but this time, there is a strange noise seems to be calling her to wake up, a noise that she doesn't remember ever hearing before. Tara tries to fight through the fog in her head and tries to open her eyes against the bright light, but again, it's causing her head to hurt. Oh, what a headache, Tara thinks as she closes her eyes again. But that loud, obnoxious noise keeps calling her to wake up so she tries to fight the bright lights again and follow the sound calling her. Tara squints and tilts her head towards the source of the noise. It won't stop and Tara tries to ignore it. Looking around she knows she is in a room that looks familiar but it isn't home, so she closes her eyes and tries to go back to sleep. It won't stop she tries to look around and find where that insufferable noise is. Finally, she thinks she's found it in the form of a curly-haired, leather-clad biker – Tig. Tara tries to smile and listens for a moment before trying to get his attention to shut him up. But her throat is too dry to speak and she hurts all over when she tries to move. Finally Tara convinces her leg to move just a little bit, just enough to jar Tig's foot. Her tap almost knocking the leaning chair out from under him, jarring him awake arms flailing until he can plant his feet firmly on the floor. Tig's awake now looks he looks around quickly to see what happened when he notices the prettiest green eyes that he's ever seen in a long while. "Doll, you're awake!"


	11. Soul Mate

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_**Soul Mate...**_

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_**Has there ever been someone that your heart and body are so harmonically in tune with words needn't be spoken, your body feels what the other needs before they do? Your lovemaking has left you weak from the power they have over you? You surrender your body and let them take control leaving a feeling of euphoria you have never felt from anyone or anything before, and you know you don't ever want to be without this feeling again, your body craves more, wants more, needs more.**_

_**When the earth shatters and you feel like the world has slipped out from under you; robbing you of your senses, opening an uncontrollable flood of raw emotions streaming down your face. With each stroke, the ache in you loin feels as though the other has crawled up in your body and touched something so deep within you and stolen a part of you you'll never get back... your heart.**_

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_**Then, and only then have you made love to your soul mate.**_

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_**from the journal of Jax Teller**_


End file.
